Good News and Bad News.

The good news is that I have gone a three WHOLE days in a row without ANY Ed behaviours. This past weekend has been so amazing! I went to my boyfriend's cottage and I felt so free. The past couple weeks I found myself getting back into a bad cycle of binging and purging but my goal for this past weekend was to break the cycle since I tend to only engage in Ed behaviours when I'm alone- and I was pretty much surrounded by people 24/7 which was good. I achieved my goal!!! Now I must focus on maintaining my three day record and hopefully continue to have B/P-free days until my next appointments with the dietitian and therapist this Wednesday. If I could do it for these past three days, there's nothing stopping me from continuing for the next three! You hear that Ed? F*** off. Anyway here is a pic of the lovely view this weekend:

The bad news is that my body image has been getting worse and worse. It feels like the fat just keeps piling on. I've developed a bad habit of grabbing my body in certain places to feel the weight that I've gained and Ed keeps screaming at me that I'm huge and worthless. I find it so exhausting to always have to remind myself that these are Ed's thoughts and not mine. That these thoughts are highly unrealistic and that I am succeeding exceptionally in my recovery! I feel like I've gained a LOT of weight this week but we will see on Wednesday at my appointment... I'm going to try not to weight myself at home. But yes my clothes are definitely fitting a lot different. Ed thinks that I have blown up into a balloon now and my clothes are WAY too tight... however I know that my clothes actually almost fit me properly now, rather than falling off my body! Ugh. I HATE these back-and-forth thoughts between Ed and myself. I just want to be free from this! The doctor said that the sooner I reach my goal weight, the quicker my recovery will be.

I've been trying to search if there's a positive body image group or something in my city but so far, no luck (surprising? no). If all else fails I will try to find some sort of support group online. If any of you have any suggestions PLEASE let me know! I need to kick this poor outlook on my body to the curb.

Gahhhh my pc is about to die to I have to leave it here! I am hoping to write you all a big, long, detailed update on my recovery sometime soon :)

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Setback-ish

So I feel like I've kinda been going through a bit of a valley rather than a hill lately. I know that this is to be expected during recovery and its not about dwelling on the fact that you're going THROUGH the setback, rather how you deal with it. Is this not correct? Lol. Anyway. I've been having a lot of behaviours lately, and it's because I have to gain a good 20 pounds, and I'm about half-way there in under a MONTH. This is craziness! I know this is great progress, but stupid Ed is on one shoulder, yip-yappin away while on the other I have my support circle. OBVIOUSLY I should be listening to my loved ones and reality, but Ed has been so strong!!! He's such an asshole, seriously. Breaking you down at every opportunity. Tonight was the first time I went out drinking with friends since December. I really don't enjoy drinking that much anymore (got that all out of my system years ago) and only had a couple drinks. I've been having such bad body-image days lately and today was no different. I had a hard time fitting into my "Ed" jeans I guess you could call them. I'm thinking of throwing them out, but they're actually a really hot (and expensive!!) pair of jeans. But anyway they are definitely tighter than they used to be, and perhaps a size or two too small. Ed kept telling me how much of a "failure" I was for gaining the weight. However I talked right back to him and told him I'm gaining back my body as a woman. Not only that, I've been gaining back my life. So if that means I have to throw out a nice pair of jeans for me to get there, than I will.

When I was visiting my sister in Baltimore I had the pleasure of shopping at all the American "luxury" stores that we don't have in my part of Canada. I felt so pampered lol! Anthropologie and Victoria Secret were such a treat to shop in. I didn't actually buy anything in Anthropologie but it was fun to try stuff on. My sister told me that the purpose of our shopping trip was to a positive body image trip :) I usually hate trying on clothes but it was actually super fun! I bought this awesome VS bra... the colour is way sexier in person! more of like a pale pink/creamy/gold colour- reminds me of some sort of french lingerie.

Anyway. I've kinda realized that I need to re-structure my environment again... This past week I've had zero B/P-free days. In fact if anything my behaviours have increased. AGHHH. I wish we could just like turn on a switch and be in perfect recovery mode. But then on the other hand.... recovery isn't about turning on auto-pilot. You have to be engaged 100% emotionally AND physically. When you fall off the track you gotta identify that you're driving in the wrong direction, and actually make the change! My goal tomorrow is to have a zero behaviour day. I've done it before, I can do it again!!

In other news, my dogs may be expecting!! They have done the deed. Multiple times. Lmao- we are reallllly hoping that she's pregnant. This is our first (and probably only) time breeding them and we are so excited for the puppies to come!

Anyway I'm distracted by the Bachelorette right now so I'm gonna end it here haha... hope you all are well and in a positive place!!

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Bad Body Image.

Ugh.

Lately things have been super duper hard. I've gained a substantial amount of weight- almost reached my halfway point to my ultimate recovery goal. While I should be happy about my progress- I have been feeling so horrible about myself. I feel fat, ugly, unattractive, gross. I can feel the fat on my stomach, legs, and arms that has reappeared and Ed keeps telling me how disgusting I am. The past couple days have been I guess you could say "not-so-great" (behaviour-wise) but today I'm really trying my hardest to get back on track. I went on a mini vacation and although I did okay during the time away from home, ever since I got back things have been so difficult since I weighed myself (note to self: big mistake).

So. To get back on track, I'm revisiting the self-talk which I seem to have forgotten lately- I keep telling myself that my weight gain is GOOD. It is healthy. I am nourishing my body and this recovery process is what I need to do in order to have my life back.

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo 

Things are still lookin up :)

It's been a while since I've posted!! A lot has happened for better and for worse, but mostly for the better! I've been visiting my sister in Baltimore since last Thursday and we will be driving back to Canada. Anyway things have been going really well. I've pretty much decreased my B/P episodes to 0-1 times per day. I still have been purging usually once per day but I have had a few days of NO B/P which has been awesome!

I've been really focusing on being mindful and disobeying ED's commands. I've been gaining, which has been really difficult to see the extra weight added to my body- but whenever I have negative thoughts about my body I really try and remind myself about all the things I want to achieve in my life which ED is keeping me from. The number one thing that has been motivating me is having a future and a family with my boyfriend. He is truly the love of my life and I can't imagine being without him. I always ask myself:

Would I rather have a healthy life with J, have children, surrounded by love, friends, and family? Or live a life alone, isolated with my eating disorder:sick, thin, and nothing but an empty shell.

Its such an easy choice when I put it that way!

I've been drinking Ensure Plus Calories every day with either lunch or dinner, and I actually look forward to it lol! Never thought I'd see the day.. but yes things have been looking up. I now have entirely eliminated B/P at breakfast time and I am comfortable eating an entire meal. I am actually always comfortable with eating an entire healthy portioned meal without purging now- I look back to 4 months ago when I wasn't comfortable keeping down anything. I still get some strong urges to B/P every so often and like I said, it hasn't been happening more than once a day which is totally completely 100% AWESOME for me!

I've really been feeling so much better about myself since I've been gaining as well. I'm definitely restoring chemical imbalances and I truly feel like a new person. It really is amazing how far I've come even in the past few weeks alone. I used to feel like I was doomed to be miserable, empty, and eating disordered for life- but now I KNOW that there's hope.

Obviously like in any recovery there have been some valleys as well as hills... I've been having a lot of trouble with beating myself up after a B/P. The guilt I feel now is SO much more tremendous than it used to be. I think it is because I want recovery so bad now- and I know that there are so many people who I don't want to disappoint! I know that these feelings are probably normal- and it is definitely part of the recovery process to learn how to stay motivated and pick yourself up after a slip-up.

Anyway- I should probably get going... gotta get ready for an afternoon by the pool :) Thank you so much for all your support so far... I'm going to try my best to update you all more often!! Hope everyone is enjoying their summer so far :)

Stay strong, stay YOU!
Colette xo

Breakthrough. Finally.

Wow.
Honestly so much has happened since the last time I blogged.... I have had some MAJOR breakthroughs, in a positive direction! I have had such amazing conversations with the most important people in my life and I now realize how important it is for me to nourish myself and begin weight restoration.

I want to finish school this year
I want to continue my life with my boyfriend
I want to become a nurse
I want to have children
I want to be able to exercise again
I want to have strong and healthy hair, bones, and teeth
I want to continue to work part time
I want to be able to go out to eat without anxiety or worry
I want to be pretty again
I want to have curves like women were made to have!
I want to nourish my mind, body, and spirit
I want to live

^ These are only some of the things that Ed is keeping from me if I continue on this path.

I don't want to look at myself with hatred
I don't want to be cold all the time
I don't want my hair to continue to fall out
I don't want to feel like a shell walking around anymore
I don't want to look malnourished and feel empty inside
I don't want to end up in the hospital
I don't want to die

^ These only begin to describe the hell that I am going through. If I continue on this path, I know that death is my ultimate fate.

I had a huge realization that I have stopped caring about myself completely... and I forgot that there are people in my life who care about me very, very much.

I had a huge realization that I look unwell. My eyes look empty. I have no more life in my face. My bones stick out in every direction. I saw a recent picture of myself and compared it to a picture from last summer. The difference is horrific. I am actually EXCITED to restore my weight!!

Not only was it the amazing conversations with loved ones which triggered this change in me. One morning I stepped on the scale and I saw a number in a group of numbers that I've never seen so low before. It scared me. After throwing all of Ed's "Hurrays" out of my head I thought to myself- enough is enough.

I now look at food as nourishment rather than fat and calories. I tell myself that you know what?! It's okay to eat! I am nourishing my body... something which I have not done for a very, very long time. I feel so free right now. I am absolutely loving life.

I know that not every day will be a good day. But what I need to remember are all of the things which I want in my life and how they all outweigh everything that Ed has every told me. I am feeling so incredibly strong right now!!

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Time for Change, Dad

I decided I'm going to take up reading. I just went to Chapters and bought like 6 books that I want to read before the month is up. I pretty much stopped reading when University started..... I mean who wants to read ON TOP of the billion pages of reading that were assigned each week?? And this past year with Ed hanging over my head- reading even for school seemed impossible. I never had enough focus to get through one paragraph without having to read it at least 4 times through. I just finished my first book... a VERY light read haha. But finishing that last chapter just gave me a great feeling of accomplishment: something I haven't felt in a very long time.

Anyway about Ed- I find that I'm really starting to focus on calories ever since I've been focusing on decreasing my B/P. It's like I'm trying to "compensate" or something. I don't think I've gained any weight yet- I'm starting to realize just how afraid I am of gaining. I feel like I really do gauge my self-worth by my weight. I feel that people will not appreciate me as much if I was a "normal" or "healthy" weight. I'm sure many of you who are recovering have gone through these feelings as well. How do you get over this fear? Recovery seems like such a far away place right now. On one hand, I want treatment. I want recovery. On the other hand, I want to keep losing, I'd rather be "sick." I know it is Ed who keeps telling me this but sometimes it's hard to identify what thoughts are Ed and what thoughts are mine.

This past Sunday was the first day in over 6 (maybe even 7?) months that I did not purge once. I felt GREAT!! Not to be hanging over the toilet for one whole day of my life, I felt so free! Ed, however felt gross, fat, bloated, and pathetic for "giving in" to recovery. Ed told me that I was weak for not fighting for him. But I was a fighter. I was so strong to fight Ed's horrible demands for those 24 hours of my life. Those 24 hours, I was free for once. I did what was best for me, for my body- rather than what was "best for Ed."

Another this courageous thing I did this Sunday was write a long overdue letter to my dad. I finally stood up for myself, for my family, and told him exactly how he has neglected and hurt me ever since he left my mom. I felt very guilty for all the things I was writing... but my mom said to me, "Is there anything on that paper that isn't true?" No, there wasn't. Everything that I called him out on that paper was true, and it was horrible to see all the things he has (or hasn't) done written out on paper. Since he received the letter (via email) he has been texting me pretty much non-stop trying to get me to tell him that I forgive him and that everything is okay. I did NOT tell him either of those things! I told him that I am not giving up on him, but I need a whole hell of a lot of time for me to heal from this. I told him I`d go to him when I was ready. Finally I`m able to stand up to my dad... I`m able to tell him what I think without fear of upsetting him. I`m finally at peace with the fact that these are things that he needs to hear.

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Appointment Update!

Okay. Update :)

I'm on day 2 of the Prozac 20 mg. This past week I decreased my binging and purging to 2 times a day and I'm hoping to get that down to 1 this week! I can't WAIT until the first day of no binging or purging. It will definitely call for a celebration! lol. Anyway I'm still having trouble sleeping and I absolutely believe its a side effect of the Prozac at this point. As far as my mood goes, it has still been up and down. Yesterday it was really down, I think the whole dad situation that I talked about in my previous entry kinda set the tone for the day.

So I had two appointments- the first with my dietitian. Turns out my weight did go down a bit but she said it may be due to my decrease in binging. I've been doing really well with breakfast, I now eat the entire thing without purging!! Now I'm going to try and tackle dinner. She said since I had success with my method I took for breakfast (starting out with half portions of everything and working my way up to a full breakfast serving) that I was okay to do that for dinner. However now I have to add a 300 calorie "fun food" at night to stop the weight loss. We went and bought these yummy Rolo ice cream sandwiches which were SUPER delicious and they were small enough that they didn't make me feel sick.

Anywho. I had the next meeting with my therapist and we didn't end up talking about the "thing" that I wanted to talk about with my mom because my dietitian showed up to the meeting as well so we decided that we would solely dedicate this appointment to educating my mom on the disease and how to be a better support. My therapist suggested that she come back next week so we can spend an entire hour on the subject, which I agreed was a good idea. So my mom is doing great so far with everything. I'm finding that it is easier for me to talk to her lately and it feels great.

Tonight is my wonderful boyfriend "J's" graduation! I'm so excited for him! He works so hard in everything he does and he is always so successful.I am so in love with J. He has been by my side every step of the way during my relapse/road to recovery.

 

 Stay strong, stay YOU

Colette xo

So Fucking Angry. Father Issues.

Excuse my french, but I'm so fucking angry right now. Just for a little history, I pretty much only see my dad on my birthday and on Christmas. Other than that, I only see him here and there when he's dropping legal papers off for my mom. He always tells me how "busy" he is during our rare phone conversations. Ever since him and my mom separated 7 or 8 years ago he has been living the life- doing what he pleases, when he pleases, no responsibility of his 5 children and 6 grandchildren.

Anyway he shows up this morning to drop off some paper for my mom, and notices my nose ring that I got 4 months ago. He says, "When did you get that? I've never noticed that before," and I reply, "Well I really don't see you that often, do I." As I started to tear up I left and went back in the house, leaving him sitting in his car in the drive way.

Of course seconds later he calls me and apologizes for everything and says it's his fault for rarely seeing each other. It seemed like my only comments for the entire conversation was "mhmm." He continued to say how sorry for how much he hurt me, like he was waiting for me to say "it's okay dad, I understand," a statement that I definitely didn't let pass my lips. Now he wants to go to breakfast tomorrow morning. Obviously in the moment I said "sounds good" due to my lack of back bone at the moment.

Are you fucking kidding me. I am so angry right now and I don't know how to get this anger out of me. There is nothing in my body that wants to see him right now. Why are you coming to me now??? He has been so incredibly lacking in my life for the past few years, that now is too late. I have so much anger toward him right now, there is no way I'll be able to go with him tomorrow. I'm texting him tonight and telling him that I'm going.

There's part of me that feels like I have to go tomorrow. I am SO afraid of  hurting people and I feel like I will hurt him by telling him that I don't want to go. I really struggle with this. Am I a bad person to not want to spend time with my dad right now? I feel like I will be a hypocrite by calling him out on being so absent in my life... and then I go and tell him that I don't want to spend time with him now? Ahhh I don't know. Somebody please put this into perspective for me!!

Appointment with Mom Tonight.... Wish Me Luck!

So. Today I am bringing my mom to my appointment with my therapist. My mom needs a lot more education on eating disorders. I know she wants to help me as much as she can but she just doesn't know how to- she feels helpless (something I think is common among parents). Often I have a hard to talking to her because of the constant worry of being judged or not taken seriously. Anyway my therapist said that she would love to help educate my mom and help her identify the separation of the ED from the person. I am really optimistic about this and hoping that this will help open up the lines of communication between us.

There is also something else that I have to talk to my mom about during the appointment, something I've been wanting to talk about for a very long time now. I've been carrying around a secret for about 3 years about something - not so great - that happened to me when I was 17. Actually it wasn't until about a month ago that I realized the significance of this event. I've kinda pushed it out of my mind for the past few years and now it is really surfacing. I am now understanding that finally letting go of this secret will be very therapeutic and freeing. I am so scared though- I feel like my mom tends to minimize things that are important to me sometimes. I also think it is human nature to minimize terrible things that happen to loved ones... No one likes accepting those kinds of things.

On the other hand, I feel like this will also help open up our lines of communication and help me be able to talk about more things with her. I am really, really  hoping that we can strengthen our relationship as mom and daughter- a relationship that I have been missing for the past 7 years.

Anyway I don't know if I'm ready just yet to talk about this event on my blog- maybe some time soon though.

So ya... WISH ME LUCK!

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Prozac Day 6

I have THE WORST insomnia. okay well maybe not the worst, but like most people- I am someone who likes their sleep uninterrupted. Last night I was up from 2:00-4:30ish with like more energy than I have during a typical day lol. Again, I woke up on and off throughout the night, then at 6:00 I woke up for another hour. What is this madness!!!! Not fun. I'm tired and miserable today. I've been having increasingly worse sleeps since the Prozac began. Side effect? I'm thinking so.

My weight is also up 1 pound since yesterday and I ate my entire breakfast without purging like I was "supposed" to. I am so miserable and hating my body right now. I am fighting off the urge to purge right now with the only incentive is that I don't want to purge up my Prozac. Ed is screaming so loud in my ear right now... telling my how fat and ugly I am... How I have no control over my life anymore. He tells me that I have to stop listening to my treatment team because all they want is for me to get fat.

Last night was burger night in my house. I was having the hardest time trying to finish my meal because I knew that I couldn't purge after. My mom is taking the initiative to sit with me after dinner until the feeling passes. My anxiety was through the roof. As much as I didn't want to finish my dinner, I did because I was afraid my mom was going to judge me for not eating it all. I was really trying to be mindful and fight all of Ed's thoughts as soon as I heard them. "Omg, I need to purge this," turned into: "You know what? I need to nourish myself. I don`t want to have to go to treatment. I want to be able to finish my last year of university this year."

That last part is SO incredibly true. I want SOOOO bad to finish my last year- basically my Dr. said that if I'm still where I am today by the time September roles around, I won't be able to do that. I want to get a hold of my life again- so that Ed no longer determines my fate.

Anyway- my posts get so side-tracked lol! Prozac side effects! Ummm really the worst thing is the whole sleep thing. I have found a drastic change in my ability to resist binging. It is very freeing! I also used to have a huge problem with wasting money on binge food- I haven't bought anything this past week on the medication. Money in the bank! lmao

I really  have to get going right now so I'm gonna have to cut this short- but please feel free to send me any questions or comments  or anything!! :)

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Body Insecurities

I don't really know what to write about right now, but I feel like blogging so let's see where this brings us.

I haven't really been following my dietitian's orders. I still haven't eaten a "full" breakfast without purging. I have tomorrow and Tuesday morning that I HAVE to do it! Our goal was to do it twice by the time my next appointment is- which is on Tuesday haha. However she will be happy to hear that my bingeing and purging has decreased dramatically. I think my weight went down a bit however :S She won't be happy about that. I always have so much guilt when I go to my appointments. I feel like a failure for not meeting my goals- I feel like they think that I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough? I don't know. 

Something else that I've been thinking about lately: I am so embarrassed of my body. I can't even imagine wearing a bikini right now. I feel like I look like I'm 12, and I can see the stares from people. I don't feel comfortable. So on one hand, I feel like I need to lose more weight- but on the other hand I feel like I look too thin and unnatural. I guess that's the difference between Ed and me? He thinks I'm not thin enough, and  I think I'm too thin. So confusing! Wish I could just have a normal brain haha.

Anyway- I've run out of things to talk about so I'm gonna end this here :)

Stay strong, stay YOU!
Colette xo

Day Three on Prozac

I just wanted to do a little update for you guys on my new little happy pill. I've been taking 10 mg to start and I will start on 20 mg on Wednesday. So far, things have been GREAT. I've been noticing that I've had a few emotional ups and downs, but that's not much different from normal haha. As far as the bingeing and purging though- amazing! I'm not sure if its just all in my head or if its actually working but I have had so many fewer urges to binge and purge! I only had one episode today. Such a drastic change from my 5-6 that I was going through a few weeks ago. Although things have improved quite a bit, I still have gotten an urge every here an there. How do I deal? I honestly think about how horrible the purging would be after and how I don't want to put myself through that. After all who enjoys purging??! Nobody. It might make us feel better temporarily afterward (*please note temporarily! We all know this is not a healthy coping mechanism -.- Just reinforcing that lol ;) but this "good" feeling is short lived.  Purging has become very difficult lately for me as well- it's like my body doesn't want to let go of the food anymore? Who knows. All I know is that I'm hating it more and more, and I don't want to ruin my insides ANY longer.

The only problem is that I'm having a difficult time transitioning to a binge-purge-free life. I find that I'm restricting more to compensate. It's so frustrating! Where has this such intense fear of food come from? Why do we fear what keeps us alive? Why is it many (if not most) people suffering with eating disorders fear weight gain more than death? It is so mind-boggling when putting these things into perspective.

Anyway. My post is getting a little side tracked. I haven't noticed many side effects yet- and again this is a very low dose so once I'm on the 20 mgs I might have more to tell you. I'm just happy that my bingeing and purging has gone down, HALLELUJAH. I will keep you guys updated :)

In the mean-time, I'm going to try and focus on my meal plan. By Tuesday I have to had eaten two full breakfasts (2 grains, 1 milk, and 1-2 protein servings) without purging. Ahhhh.. Seems so simple, yet it really has been a difficult task so far. Ed is still in the back of my mind telling me that it's okay if I don't reach my goal... I can just "try it again next week." NO Ed. I need to do this now, so go f*** yourself.

Lmao sorry guys :) Ed doesn't treat me right so why should I respect him, right?!

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Ugh

Not having a good day.

Distraction Techniques Anyone?

Wow. I just fought an incredibly strong urge to binge. It was one of those "Oh my God there is nothing more I want to do on this earth right now besides stuff my face with food,"moments. I decided that I'd distract myself with Ellen and some food porn on the Food Network (lol), and NOT give into the urge because I knew that eating would be a trigger for me to purge. I need to get away from the purging. A few weeks ago it was happening 5-6 times a day, practically every time I ate. Since I've been working on not bingeing or purging my breakfast, I got my purging down to about 4ish times per day. Yesterday (my first day on Prozac), I only had ONE episode of bingeing and purging!

I couldn't believe it! I am hoping to try and keep it at one time a day, but I feel that might be a bit of a long shot. Just gotta remember to take things day by day.

What do you do for distraction techniques? I find this concept very hard lol- Even when I'm trying to distract myself, I'm STILL thinking about food.

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Prozac, School, and Treatment Desicions

I had my appointment with my new doctor today. She really helped put a lot of things into perspective. After getting my history and everything we talked about medications. For all my life I have been SO skeptical of anti-depressants. I know way too many people who have told me horror stories about horrible side-effects, zombie-like states, and suicide attempts. In the past I have heard about doctors using Prozac to decrease binge-purge episodes. She told me that very few of her eating-disordered patients have difficulties with this medication, and that if I don't like it then I don't have to stay on it (but I do have to give it a chance). I left the appointment with a much more open mind about them and a prescription in my hand! My boyfriend is so completely against them so I'm going to have to talk to him about them tonight.

We also talked about treatments options. I explained to her that while I've been looking for inpatient programs, I don't think that I'm sick enough to go. She told me that was 100% not true. She said what I need is to actually be placed in an inpatient or day program, however the problem is that there are such limited resources in my area. She suggested that I apply to a program that is a few hours away from where I live, but the wait list takes at least 3-4 months to get in. She said that that way, depending on my progress, if I need it when they call me, I'll go. If it turns out I'm doing a lot better, I can decline!

The last problem that we discussed is school. I am entering my 4th year of nursing in September. Clearly I want to be able to finish my last year so I can start my career! However my doctor explained to me that I have a serious illness. She told me that my eating disorder is out of control, no matter how much I tell myself that I am okay. She told me to imagine that I had cancer and the doctor told me that I needed chemotherapy. Would I respond, "I just need to put the chemo on hold for a year so I can finish school." ?? NO WAY. I would be risking my life for school? Not no way, not no how. It kind of made me think, why do we minimize our eating disorders? An ED is a life threatening illness. Why would we ever put our therapy on hold for other things in our life? It was like I was saying that I value my schooling more than my life. But now that I think about it, maybe I do? I've been treating my body and soul so horribly lately, it is clear why I wouldn't mind pushing treatment to the side for other things in my life.

My mind is still foggy about everything. Ed has taken such a hold of me that I can't sense right vs. wrong anymore.

Anyway if any of you have been on Prozac, please let me know the pros/cons! I'd love to hear your experience.

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

More Battles with Ed's Twisted Thinking

A lot of things have been going through my mind lately (what else is knew right? lol). I've been thinking a lot about my recovery and how I've been feeling about treatment, etc. The first time I recovered, I couldn't believe how easy it was. I think it was more about "pleasing" the treatment team and giving them what they wanted to see. I think it was more of going through the motions and not really addressing the deep emotional issues that I have inside. If I ever went back to an appointment without meeting a goal 100%, I felt like a complete failure.

This time is different. It is a lot harder. Like incredibly more difficult. So I've bee digging deep inside of me to try and figure out what is hindering me so much this time around- and then it hit me. Ed makes me think that recovery is for the weak. Ed makes me feel that if I give in to treatment and start fighting for recovery, I am a failure to my eating disorder. Ed makes me feel like I need to prove to the treatment team that I'm better off with my ED, that giving in to what the team wants for me is a sign of weakness, that I'm not in "control."

HOW MESSED UP IS THAT. Yet I'm sure most of you have felt this way at one point or another in your road to recovery. I feel like I'm trying to rebel! Which is odd for me because I have always been an extreme people-pleaser. For example- each week we make a few goals. Right now I'm focusing on not bingeing my breakfast and keeping it down. I've actually been doing well with this goal, as hard as it had been for me. So the time comes for my next appointment, and they ask me how the week went. I can't put my finger on exactly how I feel when they ask me it, so I'll try to explain.

I don't like telling them that I achieved my goals (although I do tell them). It's almost like I feel ashamed that I'm able to keep my breakfast down. I think Ed is in the back of my mind saying "You seriously gave into their commands? They're just trying to make you fat." I feel like I want them to think that me and Ed are best buds and that it is going to take a lot more time and persistence from them for me to achieve a simple goal. It's like I'm not trying to please people anymore, I'm trying to please Ed.

Have you ever felt like this? I'm so confused because I want recovery more than anything! I don't understand what kind of twisted thinking this is. I keep telling myself how much I don't want Ed in my life anymore and how I desperately need recovery- but am I subconsciously still sacrificing everything for Ed? I don't know anymore. My mind is so foggy these days.

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Good Ol' Dietitian Business

So I feel like I'm TOTALLY spamming you with all these blogs, but this is new and exciting for me and I feel like there's a lot I need to get off my chest right now.

Anyway. So I think I want the purpose of this post to kinda talk about what what is going on currently in my treatment. I just started going to a new clinic where they have a team of professionals who specialize in eating disorders. I've had a few meetings with the nurse practitioners (they're GREAT!) and a meeting with the dietitian. On Wednesday I go to see my new doctor which I'm excited about because I heard that this woman is pretty much the definition of caring! Since I'm kinda in the beginning stages with them, things are seeming kind of slow I am worried that what they have to offer will not be enough which I talked about a few blogs ago. So really I'm just kinda riding things out to see if it really is enough!

While I'm enjoying my appointments with the NPs (they are so enlightening!), I did not enjoy the meeting with the dietitian so much. She is nice, but not as I guess "personable" as the NPs. She kept talking about scary things like weight restoration, giving up behaviours, etc. Ahhhhhhhhh. Anyway together we came up with a meal plan. I guess it wasn't as much as a meal plan as it was a serving size plan. She really does not want to focus on counting calories, rather she wants me to focus on servings. I've been bingeing almost all my meals, and I've been having a difficult time keeping anything down (binge or no binge). SO when we came up with our serving plan, we made it keeping in mind that she wants me to get away from the purging. Since I had been eating a larger amount each day than what she feels are healthy servings for meals and snacks, I thought it wouldn't be any problem following her plan.

Yea, right. Ed is so incredibly manipulative and controlling! So abusive to my body. I didn't realize exactly how consumed I was by him until I attempted to follow the meal plan. Obviously I tried to tackle the entire day due to my "all-or-nothing" way of thinking. I realize now however, that breakfast is enough to work on right now. Last week was the FIRST breakfast that I did not binge in, oh I don't know how long. It was actually an amazing feeling. I was actually in control and was able to tell Ed "No!" I sat myself down at the table for once (instead of eating in my usual habitat: the kitchen counter) and ate only what I prepared. Ed was still jumping in because I cut all the servings of what I was supposed to eat in half, and I also attempted purging after. BUT I DIDN'T BINGE! I felt so free. The rest of the day was the usual binge and purge day, but I still felt so encouraged that I was actually able to disobey Ed and NOT binge.

When Ed takes over, it feels like that he is all you know. Sometimes I feel like I will never be healthy, that I will always be under Ed's trance. When I didn't  binge that first time, I felt a flicker of confidence that someday, I WILL be able to overcome this one day. I know it will take time. A lot of time. But I know that if I want to live, I have to keep fighting. I heard once that an eating disorder is a parallel to a slow suicide. I do not want death. I want life. Right now, mentally the old me does feel breathless, cut off from the world. In that sense, I have lost my life. But that is not to say one day I won't be able to wake from this hell!


Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Crack Skinny?

People at work are starting to notice. I've been getting a lot of comments about my weight and I feel very uncomfortable about it. "Oh honey, you need to put some weight on, you'll never be able to have children!" or "We actually have some meat on our bones!" and here's the best one "Oh hey, crack skinny." I know that I look thin to people, but I am not sickly looking! It really gets me down to hear things like this :( People are cruel. But then again, people are ignorant. They have no idea that I'm really struggling inside with this disease, so they just say anything that comes to mind. I don't want people at work to know. I've been thinking of telling the managers since I've really not been feeling well lately- but things like this spread like wild fire. EDs have always been such a taboo subject. I don't want to be treated differently if people knew, and it is a sure outcome.

I wish I didn't have to be so secretive about this. This is something that I've really been gruelling over lately- I feel ashamed of my ED. I wish I could be open about it and talk about it freely, raise awareness in this World because there are SO many people who are silently suffering. But, I can't. I can't walk down the street with a sign over my head saying, "Hi, I'm Colette and I have an eating disorder" (not that I'd actually do that ;) but you get the point). I believe that people in their most fundamental, organic state, are judgemental. I believe we are all judgemental in some form or another. Yes, there are many who have an open mind! And THEY are the ones we need to surround ourselves when we are on the path to recovery. But as far as those who for example decide to call you, "Crack skinny," we need to veer far from them.

We are in a state where we are not even able to love or support ourselves. If we can't, who will? I've been trying to increase my support system to include only those who are able to fill the void that Ed created; the love, positivity, and support that Ed robbed us of. Right now there are few people who know about my eating disorder. There are even fewer who I am able to confide in! I am truly hoping to be able to widen my support system and increase the love and support that is so desperately needed in this time.

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

F*** You Ed.

I've been feeling exceptionally low lately. It's interesting how I always want to write about things when they are doing poorly. I mean why do I dwell in the negativity! It is a goal of mine to begin writing down a few positive things each day, but I have yet to begin that.

Recovery this time around has be so much more difficult than the first time. I struggled with an eating disorder for FOUR years, decided to put myself into some outpatient treatment for 3 months and I was almost completely behaviour free for 2 years! Crazy right? This time around: not so easy. My thoughts and behaviours started up again around November, 2011 and Ed has taken the reins of my life ever since! For those of you who don't know the eating disorder lingo, "Ed" is my eating disorder (and if you haven't yet read "Life without Ed," you are totally missing out!!!)  Anyway. I recognised Ed's voice the moment he told me I could afford to lose a "few." The behaviours increased and Ed's words were being thrown at me left, right, and centre. At the time I thought I'd be able to recover quickly on my own (I mean I recovered once before, how hard could it be this time around?). Mind blown. Total lack of judgement.

It is now June, and Ed has consumed my every moment. There is an absolute lack of resources to recover in my city, so I'm finding it difficult to work with what I have. I'm currently being treated in an outpatient program but I need more structure in my life. I spend each day alone as my mom is gone to work and I only work in the evenings. This time alone during the day definitely gives me an unnecessary amount of time to spend with Ed. Although talking to a professional 1-2 times per week allows for some emotional support, the structure to my day is still lacking. I make goals each week to fight my behaviours, but I tend to blow them off and say, "okay this is the last time!" which we all know it really never is. I feel that I need the intensity of a residential program, but I don't feel sick enough to be in one. I am at my lowest weight right now, but I feel that it is a lot higher than most women who would be in a treatment centre. Is this denial? Is Ed blinding me? Am I really, actually, sick? I can't decipher it anymore. Everything is such a blur these days, thanks to Ed! F*** you Ed. I have an appointment on Wednesday with a new doctor and we will hopefully discuss this!

For those of you in my same position... what was your experience? I hate how my mind plays tricks on me like this.

Anyway I want to try and keep my blogs short. We all know that Ed doesn't allow us much focus at a time on other things such as reading blogs haha. I just wanted to get my, I guess you could say, "background" information out of the way so I can concentrate on more focused topics in the future :)

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

I Hate Introductions!

I never really thought about blogging until now, I always considered it a waste of time because out of the trillions of web pages on the Internet, who on this Earth would ever come across it? And if people do happen to stumble upon it, what if I'm not a good enough writer? What if they think I'm boring, an attention-whore, or what I have to say is a waste of time? These are typical types of questions that I ask myself each day, questions which clearly reflect my self-image that I'm struggling with right now. However. I decided to I guess "disobey" my twisted  thinking and give it a shot :)

I decided that blogging would be therapeutic for me. I mean what could I lose? I get to express myself, and hopefully help others who struggle with the same illness by allowing them to relate to me, and know that they are not alone in this. Too often we find ourselves imprisoned in the depths of our eating disorder, feeling trapped and isolated. We need to empower one another to rise above, and beat this thing.

Anyway I'm going to wrap this up, as I absolutely hate writing introductions! Hopefully my future posts will be a little more interesting :)

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

I'd just like to add that my inspiration for my blog is the one and only miss raganmae! She is an absolute inspiration for anyone suffering, please take the time to check out her out!

http://unglamorouseatingdisorders.blogspot.ca/

http://www.youtube.com/user/raganmae