The good news is that I have gone a three WHOLE days in a row without ANY Ed behaviours. This past weekend has been so amazing! I went to my boyfriend's cottage and I felt so free. The past couple weeks I found myself getting back into a bad cycle of binging and purging but my goal for this past weekend was to break the cycle since I tend to only engage in Ed behaviours when I'm alone- and I was pretty much surrounded by people 24/7 which was good. I achieved my goal!!! Now I must focus on maintaining my three day record and hopefully continue to have B/P-free days until my next appointments with the dietitian and therapist this Wednesday. If I could do it for these past three days, there's nothing stopping me from continuing for the next three! You hear that Ed? F*** off. Anyway here is a pic of the lovely view this weekend:
The bad news is that my body image has been getting worse and worse. It feels like the fat just keeps piling on. I've developed a bad habit of grabbing my body in certain places to feel the weight that I've gained and Ed keeps screaming at me that I'm huge and worthless. I find it so exhausting to always have to remind myself that these are Ed's thoughts and not mine. That these thoughts are highly unrealistic and that I am succeeding exceptionally in my recovery! I feel like I've gained a LOT of weight this week but we will see on Wednesday at my appointment... I'm going to try not to weight myself at home. But yes my clothes are definitely fitting a lot different. Ed thinks that I have blown up into a balloon now and my clothes are WAY too tight... however I know that my clothes actually almost fit me properly now, rather than falling off my body! Ugh. I HATE these back-and-forth thoughts between Ed and myself. I just want to be free from this! The doctor said that the sooner I reach my goal weight, the quicker my recovery will be.
I've been trying to search if there's a positive body image group or something in my city but so far, no luck (surprising? no). If all else fails I will try to find some sort of support group online. If any of you have any suggestions PLEASE let me know! I need to kick this poor outlook on my body to the curb.
Gahhhh my pc is about to die to I have to leave it here! I am hoping to write you all a big, long, detailed update on my recovery sometime soon :)
Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo
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