Setback-ish

So I feel like I've kinda been going through a bit of a valley rather than a hill lately. I know that this is to be expected during recovery and its not about dwelling on the fact that you're going THROUGH the setback, rather how you deal with it. Is this not correct? Lol. Anyway. I've been having a lot of behaviours lately, and it's because I have to gain a good 20 pounds, and I'm about half-way there in under a MONTH. This is craziness! I know this is great progress, but stupid Ed is on one shoulder, yip-yappin away while on the other I have my support circle. OBVIOUSLY I should be listening to my loved ones and reality, but Ed has been so strong!!! He's such an asshole, seriously. Breaking you down at every opportunity. Tonight was the first time I went out drinking with friends since December. I really don't enjoy drinking that much anymore (got that all out of my system years ago) and only had a couple drinks. I've been having such bad body-image days lately and today was no different. I had a hard time fitting into my "Ed" jeans I guess you could call them. I'm thinking of throwing them out, but they're actually a really hot (and expensive!!) pair of jeans. But anyway they are definitely tighter than they used to be, and perhaps a size or two too small. Ed kept telling me how much of a "failure" I was for gaining the weight. However I talked right back to him and told him I'm gaining back my body as a woman. Not only that, I've been gaining back my life. So if that means I have to throw out a nice pair of jeans for me to get there, than I will.

When I was visiting my sister in Baltimore I had the pleasure of shopping at all the American "luxury" stores that we don't have in my part of Canada. I felt so pampered lol! Anthropologie and Victoria Secret were such a treat to shop in. I didn't actually buy anything in Anthropologie but it was fun to try stuff on. My sister told me that the purpose of our shopping trip was to a positive body image trip :) I usually hate trying on clothes but it was actually super fun! I bought this awesome VS bra... the colour is way sexier in person! more of like a pale pink/creamy/gold colour- reminds me of some sort of french lingerie.

Anyway. I've kinda realized that I need to re-structure my environment again... This past week I've had zero B/P-free days. In fact if anything my behaviours have increased. AGHHH. I wish we could just like turn on a switch and be in perfect recovery mode. But then on the other hand.... recovery isn't about turning on auto-pilot. You have to be engaged 100% emotionally AND physically. When you fall off the track you gotta identify that you're driving in the wrong direction, and actually make the change! My goal tomorrow is to have a zero behaviour day. I've done it before, I can do it again!!

In other news, my dogs may be expecting!! They have done the deed. Multiple times. Lmao- we are reallllly hoping that she's pregnant. This is our first (and probably only) time breeding them and we are so excited for the puppies to come!

Anyway I'm distracted by the Bachelorette right now so I'm gonna end it here haha... hope you all are well and in a positive place!!

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo