Good News and Bad News.

The good news is that I have gone a three WHOLE days in a row without ANY Ed behaviours. This past weekend has been so amazing! I went to my boyfriend's cottage and I felt so free. The past couple weeks I found myself getting back into a bad cycle of binging and purging but my goal for this past weekend was to break the cycle since I tend to only engage in Ed behaviours when I'm alone- and I was pretty much surrounded by people 24/7 which was good. I achieved my goal!!! Now I must focus on maintaining my three day record and hopefully continue to have B/P-free days until my next appointments with the dietitian and therapist this Wednesday. If I could do it for these past three days, there's nothing stopping me from continuing for the next three! You hear that Ed? F*** off. Anyway here is a pic of the lovely view this weekend:

The bad news is that my body image has been getting worse and worse. It feels like the fat just keeps piling on. I've developed a bad habit of grabbing my body in certain places to feel the weight that I've gained and Ed keeps screaming at me that I'm huge and worthless. I find it so exhausting to always have to remind myself that these are Ed's thoughts and not mine. That these thoughts are highly unrealistic and that I am succeeding exceptionally in my recovery! I feel like I've gained a LOT of weight this week but we will see on Wednesday at my appointment... I'm going to try not to weight myself at home. But yes my clothes are definitely fitting a lot different. Ed thinks that I have blown up into a balloon now and my clothes are WAY too tight... however I know that my clothes actually almost fit me properly now, rather than falling off my body! Ugh. I HATE these back-and-forth thoughts between Ed and myself. I just want to be free from this! The doctor said that the sooner I reach my goal weight, the quicker my recovery will be.

I've been trying to search if there's a positive body image group or something in my city but so far, no luck (surprising? no). If all else fails I will try to find some sort of support group online. If any of you have any suggestions PLEASE let me know! I need to kick this poor outlook on my body to the curb.

Gahhhh my pc is about to die to I have to leave it here! I am hoping to write you all a big, long, detailed update on my recovery sometime soon :)

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Bad Body Image.

Ugh.

Lately things have been super duper hard. I've gained a substantial amount of weight- almost reached my halfway point to my ultimate recovery goal. While I should be happy about my progress- I have been feeling so horrible about myself. I feel fat, ugly, unattractive, gross. I can feel the fat on my stomach, legs, and arms that has reappeared and Ed keeps telling me how disgusting I am. The past couple days have been I guess you could say "not-so-great" (behaviour-wise) but today I'm really trying my hardest to get back on track. I went on a mini vacation and although I did okay during the time away from home, ever since I got back things have been so difficult since I weighed myself (note to self: big mistake).

So. To get back on track, I'm revisiting the self-talk which I seem to have forgotten lately- I keep telling myself that my weight gain is GOOD. It is healthy. I am nourishing my body and this recovery process is what I need to do in order to have my life back.

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo 

Body Insecurities

I don't really know what to write about right now, but I feel like blogging so let's see where this brings us.

I haven't really been following my dietitian's orders. I still haven't eaten a "full" breakfast without purging. I have tomorrow and Tuesday morning that I HAVE to do it! Our goal was to do it twice by the time my next appointment is- which is on Tuesday haha. However she will be happy to hear that my bingeing and purging has decreased dramatically. I think my weight went down a bit however :S She won't be happy about that. I always have so much guilt when I go to my appointments. I feel like a failure for not meeting my goals- I feel like they think that I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough? I don't know. 

Something else that I've been thinking about lately: I am so embarrassed of my body. I can't even imagine wearing a bikini right now. I feel like I look like I'm 12, and I can see the stares from people. I don't feel comfortable. So on one hand, I feel like I need to lose more weight- but on the other hand I feel like I look too thin and unnatural. I guess that's the difference between Ed and me? He thinks I'm not thin enough, and  I think I'm too thin. So confusing! Wish I could just have a normal brain haha.

Anyway- I've run out of things to talk about so I'm gonna end this here :)

Stay strong, stay YOU!
Colette xo