I decided I'm going to take up reading. I just went to Chapters and bought like 6 books that I want to read before the month is up. I pretty much stopped reading when University started..... I mean who wants to read ON TOP of the billion pages of reading that were assigned each week?? And this past year with Ed hanging over my head- reading even for school seemed impossible. I never had enough focus to get through one paragraph without having to read it at least 4 times through. I just finished my first book... a VERY light read haha. But finishing that last chapter just gave me a great feeling of accomplishment: something I haven't felt in a very long time.
Anyway about Ed- I find that I'm really starting to focus on calories ever since I've been focusing on decreasing my B/P. It's like I'm trying to "compensate" or something. I don't think I've gained any weight yet- I'm starting to realize just how afraid I am of gaining. I feel like I really do gauge my self-worth by my weight. I feel that people will not appreciate me as much if I was a "normal" or "healthy" weight. I'm sure many of you who are recovering have gone through these feelings as well. How do you get over this fear? Recovery seems like such a far away place right now. On one hand, I want treatment. I want recovery. On the other hand, I want to keep losing, I'd rather be "sick." I know it is Ed who keeps telling me this but sometimes it's hard to identify what thoughts are Ed and what thoughts are mine.
This past Sunday was the first day in over 6 (maybe even 7?) months that I did not purge once. I felt GREAT!! Not to be hanging over the toilet for one whole day of my life, I felt so free! Ed, however felt gross, fat, bloated, and pathetic for "giving in" to recovery. Ed told me that I was weak for not fighting for him. But I was a fighter. I was so strong to fight Ed's horrible demands for those 24 hours of my life. Those 24 hours, I was free for once. I did what was best for me, for my body- rather than what was "best for Ed."
Another this courageous thing I did this Sunday was write a long overdue letter to my dad. I finally stood up for myself, for my family, and told him exactly how he has neglected and hurt me ever since he left my mom. I felt very guilty for all the things I was writing... but my mom said to me, "Is there anything on that paper that isn't true?" No, there wasn't. Everything that I called him out on that paper was true, and it was horrible to see all the things he has (or hasn't) done written out on paper. Since he received the letter (via email) he has been texting me pretty much non-stop trying to get me to tell him that I forgive him and that everything is okay. I did NOT tell him either of those things! I told him that I am not giving up on him, but I need a whole hell of a lot of time for me to heal from this. I told him I`d go to him when I was ready. Finally I`m able to stand up to my dad... I`m able to tell him what I think without fear of upsetting him. I`m finally at peace with the fact that these are things that he needs to hear.
Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo
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