Crack Skinny?

People at work are starting to notice. I've been getting a lot of comments about my weight and I feel very uncomfortable about it. "Oh honey, you need to put some weight on, you'll never be able to have children!" or "We actually have some meat on our bones!" and here's the best one "Oh hey, crack skinny." I know that I look thin to people, but I am not sickly looking! It really gets me down to hear things like this :( People are cruel. But then again, people are ignorant. They have no idea that I'm really struggling inside with this disease, so they just say anything that comes to mind. I don't want people at work to know. I've been thinking of telling the managers since I've really not been feeling well lately- but things like this spread like wild fire. EDs have always been such a taboo subject. I don't want to be treated differently if people knew, and it is a sure outcome.

I wish I didn't have to be so secretive about this. This is something that I've really been gruelling over lately- I feel ashamed of my ED. I wish I could be open about it and talk about it freely, raise awareness in this World because there are SO many people who are silently suffering. But, I can't. I can't walk down the street with a sign over my head saying, "Hi, I'm Colette and I have an eating disorder" (not that I'd actually do that ;) but you get the point). I believe that people in their most fundamental, organic state, are judgemental. I believe we are all judgemental in some form or another. Yes, there are many who have an open mind! And THEY are the ones we need to surround ourselves when we are on the path to recovery. But as far as those who for example decide to call you, "Crack skinny," we need to veer far from them.

We are in a state where we are not even able to love or support ourselves. If we can't, who will? I've been trying to increase my support system to include only those who are able to fill the void that Ed created; the love, positivity, and support that Ed robbed us of. Right now there are few people who know about my eating disorder. There are even fewer who I am able to confide in! I am truly hoping to be able to widen my support system and increase the love and support that is so desperately needed in this time.

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo