Time for Change, Dad

I decided I'm going to take up reading. I just went to Chapters and bought like 6 books that I want to read before the month is up. I pretty much stopped reading when University started..... I mean who wants to read ON TOP of the billion pages of reading that were assigned each week?? And this past year with Ed hanging over my head- reading even for school seemed impossible. I never had enough focus to get through one paragraph without having to read it at least 4 times through. I just finished my first book... a VERY light read haha. But finishing that last chapter just gave me a great feeling of accomplishment: something I haven't felt in a very long time.

Anyway about Ed- I find that I'm really starting to focus on calories ever since I've been focusing on decreasing my B/P. It's like I'm trying to "compensate" or something. I don't think I've gained any weight yet- I'm starting to realize just how afraid I am of gaining. I feel like I really do gauge my self-worth by my weight. I feel that people will not appreciate me as much if I was a "normal" or "healthy" weight. I'm sure many of you who are recovering have gone through these feelings as well. How do you get over this fear? Recovery seems like such a far away place right now. On one hand, I want treatment. I want recovery. On the other hand, I want to keep losing, I'd rather be "sick." I know it is Ed who keeps telling me this but sometimes it's hard to identify what thoughts are Ed and what thoughts are mine.

This past Sunday was the first day in over 6 (maybe even 7?) months that I did not purge once. I felt GREAT!! Not to be hanging over the toilet for one whole day of my life, I felt so free! Ed, however felt gross, fat, bloated, and pathetic for "giving in" to recovery. Ed told me that I was weak for not fighting for him. But I was a fighter. I was so strong to fight Ed's horrible demands for those 24 hours of my life. Those 24 hours, I was free for once. I did what was best for me, for my body- rather than what was "best for Ed."

Another this courageous thing I did this Sunday was write a long overdue letter to my dad. I finally stood up for myself, for my family, and told him exactly how he has neglected and hurt me ever since he left my mom. I felt very guilty for all the things I was writing... but my mom said to me, "Is there anything on that paper that isn't true?" No, there wasn't. Everything that I called him out on that paper was true, and it was horrible to see all the things he has (or hasn't) done written out on paper. Since he received the letter (via email) he has been texting me pretty much non-stop trying to get me to tell him that I forgive him and that everything is okay. I did NOT tell him either of those things! I told him that I am not giving up on him, but I need a whole hell of a lot of time for me to heal from this. I told him I`d go to him when I was ready. Finally I`m able to stand up to my dad... I`m able to tell him what I think without fear of upsetting him. I`m finally at peace with the fact that these are things that he needs to hear.

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Appointment with Mom Tonight.... Wish Me Luck!

So. Today I am bringing my mom to my appointment with my therapist. My mom needs a lot more education on eating disorders. I know she wants to help me as much as she can but she just doesn't know how to- she feels helpless (something I think is common among parents). Often I have a hard to talking to her because of the constant worry of being judged or not taken seriously. Anyway my therapist said that she would love to help educate my mom and help her identify the separation of the ED from the person. I am really optimistic about this and hoping that this will help open up the lines of communication between us.

There is also something else that I have to talk to my mom about during the appointment, something I've been wanting to talk about for a very long time now. I've been carrying around a secret for about 3 years about something - not so great - that happened to me when I was 17. Actually it wasn't until about a month ago that I realized the significance of this event. I've kinda pushed it out of my mind for the past few years and now it is really surfacing. I am now understanding that finally letting go of this secret will be very therapeutic and freeing. I am so scared though- I feel like my mom tends to minimize things that are important to me sometimes. I also think it is human nature to minimize terrible things that happen to loved ones... No one likes accepting those kinds of things.

On the other hand, I feel like this will also help open up our lines of communication and help me be able to talk about more things with her. I am really, really  hoping that we can strengthen our relationship as mom and daughter- a relationship that I have been missing for the past 7 years.

Anyway I don't know if I'm ready just yet to talk about this event on my blog- maybe some time soon though.

So ya... WISH ME LUCK!

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo