Things are still lookin up :)

It's been a while since I've posted!! A lot has happened for better and for worse, but mostly for the better! I've been visiting my sister in Baltimore since last Thursday and we will be driving back to Canada. Anyway things have been going really well. I've pretty much decreased my B/P episodes to 0-1 times per day. I still have been purging usually once per day but I have had a few days of NO B/P which has been awesome!

I've been really focusing on being mindful and disobeying ED's commands. I've been gaining, which has been really difficult to see the extra weight added to my body- but whenever I have negative thoughts about my body I really try and remind myself about all the things I want to achieve in my life which ED is keeping me from. The number one thing that has been motivating me is having a future and a family with my boyfriend. He is truly the love of my life and I can't imagine being without him. I always ask myself:

Would I rather have a healthy life with J, have children, surrounded by love, friends, and family? Or live a life alone, isolated with my eating disorder:sick, thin, and nothing but an empty shell.

Its such an easy choice when I put it that way!

I've been drinking Ensure Plus Calories every day with either lunch or dinner, and I actually look forward to it lol! Never thought I'd see the day.. but yes things have been looking up. I now have entirely eliminated B/P at breakfast time and I am comfortable eating an entire meal. I am actually always comfortable with eating an entire healthy portioned meal without purging now- I look back to 4 months ago when I wasn't comfortable keeping down anything. I still get some strong urges to B/P every so often and like I said, it hasn't been happening more than once a day which is totally completely 100% AWESOME for me!

I've really been feeling so much better about myself since I've been gaining as well. I'm definitely restoring chemical imbalances and I truly feel like a new person. It really is amazing how far I've come even in the past few weeks alone. I used to feel like I was doomed to be miserable, empty, and eating disordered for life- but now I KNOW that there's hope.

Obviously like in any recovery there have been some valleys as well as hills... I've been having a lot of trouble with beating myself up after a B/P. The guilt I feel now is SO much more tremendous than it used to be. I think it is because I want recovery so bad now- and I know that there are so many people who I don't want to disappoint! I know that these feelings are probably normal- and it is definitely part of the recovery process to learn how to stay motivated and pick yourself up after a slip-up.

Anyway- I should probably get going... gotta get ready for an afternoon by the pool :) Thank you so much for all your support so far... I'm going to try my best to update you all more often!! Hope everyone is enjoying their summer so far :)

Stay strong, stay YOU!
Colette xo

Breakthrough. Finally.

Wow.
Honestly so much has happened since the last time I blogged.... I have had some MAJOR breakthroughs, in a positive direction! I have had such amazing conversations with the most important people in my life and I now realize how important it is for me to nourish myself and begin weight restoration.

I want to finish school this year
I want to continue my life with my boyfriend
I want to become a nurse
I want to have children
I want to be able to exercise again
I want to have strong and healthy hair, bones, and teeth
I want to continue to work part time
I want to be able to go out to eat without anxiety or worry
I want to be pretty again
I want to have curves like women were made to have!
I want to nourish my mind, body, and spirit
I want to live

^ These are only some of the things that Ed is keeping from me if I continue on this path.

I don't want to look at myself with hatred
I don't want to be cold all the time
I don't want my hair to continue to fall out
I don't want to feel like a shell walking around anymore
I don't want to look malnourished and feel empty inside
I don't want to end up in the hospital
I don't want to die

^ These only begin to describe the hell that I am going through. If I continue on this path, I know that death is my ultimate fate.

I had a huge realization that I have stopped caring about myself completely... and I forgot that there are people in my life who care about me very, very much.

I had a huge realization that I look unwell. My eyes look empty. I have no more life in my face. My bones stick out in every direction. I saw a recent picture of myself and compared it to a picture from last summer. The difference is horrific. I am actually EXCITED to restore my weight!!

Not only was it the amazing conversations with loved ones which triggered this change in me. One morning I stepped on the scale and I saw a number in a group of numbers that I've never seen so low before. It scared me. After throwing all of Ed's "Hurrays" out of my head I thought to myself- enough is enough.

I now look at food as nourishment rather than fat and calories. I tell myself that you know what?! It's okay to eat! I am nourishing my body... something which I have not done for a very, very long time. I feel so free right now. I am absolutely loving life.

I know that not every day will be a good day. But what I need to remember are all of the things which I want in my life and how they all outweigh everything that Ed has every told me. I am feeling so incredibly strong right now!!

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo