F*** You Ed.

I've been feeling exceptionally low lately. It's interesting how I always want to write about things when they are doing poorly. I mean why do I dwell in the negativity! It is a goal of mine to begin writing down a few positive things each day, but I have yet to begin that.

Recovery this time around has be so much more difficult than the first time. I struggled with an eating disorder for FOUR years, decided to put myself into some outpatient treatment for 3 months and I was almost completely behaviour free for 2 years! Crazy right? This time around: not so easy. My thoughts and behaviours started up again around November, 2011 and Ed has taken the reins of my life ever since! For those of you who don't know the eating disorder lingo, "Ed" is my eating disorder (and if you haven't yet read "Life without Ed," you are totally missing out!!!)  Anyway. I recognised Ed's voice the moment he told me I could afford to lose a "few." The behaviours increased and Ed's words were being thrown at me left, right, and centre. At the time I thought I'd be able to recover quickly on my own (I mean I recovered once before, how hard could it be this time around?). Mind blown. Total lack of judgement.

It is now June, and Ed has consumed my every moment. There is an absolute lack of resources to recover in my city, so I'm finding it difficult to work with what I have. I'm currently being treated in an outpatient program but I need more structure in my life. I spend each day alone as my mom is gone to work and I only work in the evenings. This time alone during the day definitely gives me an unnecessary amount of time to spend with Ed. Although talking to a professional 1-2 times per week allows for some emotional support, the structure to my day is still lacking. I make goals each week to fight my behaviours, but I tend to blow them off and say, "okay this is the last time!" which we all know it really never is. I feel that I need the intensity of a residential program, but I don't feel sick enough to be in one. I am at my lowest weight right now, but I feel that it is a lot higher than most women who would be in a treatment centre. Is this denial? Is Ed blinding me? Am I really, actually, sick? I can't decipher it anymore. Everything is such a blur these days, thanks to Ed! F*** you Ed. I have an appointment on Wednesday with a new doctor and we will hopefully discuss this!

For those of you in my same position... what was your experience? I hate how my mind plays tricks on me like this.

Anyway I want to try and keep my blogs short. We all know that Ed doesn't allow us much focus at a time on other things such as reading blogs haha. I just wanted to get my, I guess you could say, "background" information out of the way so I can concentrate on more focused topics in the future :)

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo