Good News and Bad News.

The good news is that I have gone a three WHOLE days in a row without ANY Ed behaviours. This past weekend has been so amazing! I went to my boyfriend's cottage and I felt so free. The past couple weeks I found myself getting back into a bad cycle of binging and purging but my goal for this past weekend was to break the cycle since I tend to only engage in Ed behaviours when I'm alone- and I was pretty much surrounded by people 24/7 which was good. I achieved my goal!!! Now I must focus on maintaining my three day record and hopefully continue to have B/P-free days until my next appointments with the dietitian and therapist this Wednesday. If I could do it for these past three days, there's nothing stopping me from continuing for the next three! You hear that Ed? F*** off. Anyway here is a pic of the lovely view this weekend:

The bad news is that my body image has been getting worse and worse. It feels like the fat just keeps piling on. I've developed a bad habit of grabbing my body in certain places to feel the weight that I've gained and Ed keeps screaming at me that I'm huge and worthless. I find it so exhausting to always have to remind myself that these are Ed's thoughts and not mine. That these thoughts are highly unrealistic and that I am succeeding exceptionally in my recovery! I feel like I've gained a LOT of weight this week but we will see on Wednesday at my appointment... I'm going to try not to weight myself at home. But yes my clothes are definitely fitting a lot different. Ed thinks that I have blown up into a balloon now and my clothes are WAY too tight... however I know that my clothes actually almost fit me properly now, rather than falling off my body! Ugh. I HATE these back-and-forth thoughts between Ed and myself. I just want to be free from this! The doctor said that the sooner I reach my goal weight, the quicker my recovery will be.

I've been trying to search if there's a positive body image group or something in my city but so far, no luck (surprising? no). If all else fails I will try to find some sort of support group online. If any of you have any suggestions PLEASE let me know! I need to kick this poor outlook on my body to the curb.

Gahhhh my pc is about to die to I have to leave it here! I am hoping to write you all a big, long, detailed update on my recovery sometime soon :)

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Things are still lookin up :)

It's been a while since I've posted!! A lot has happened for better and for worse, but mostly for the better! I've been visiting my sister in Baltimore since last Thursday and we will be driving back to Canada. Anyway things have been going really well. I've pretty much decreased my B/P episodes to 0-1 times per day. I still have been purging usually once per day but I have had a few days of NO B/P which has been awesome!

I've been really focusing on being mindful and disobeying ED's commands. I've been gaining, which has been really difficult to see the extra weight added to my body- but whenever I have negative thoughts about my body I really try and remind myself about all the things I want to achieve in my life which ED is keeping me from. The number one thing that has been motivating me is having a future and a family with my boyfriend. He is truly the love of my life and I can't imagine being without him. I always ask myself:

Would I rather have a healthy life with J, have children, surrounded by love, friends, and family? Or live a life alone, isolated with my eating disorder:sick, thin, and nothing but an empty shell.

Its such an easy choice when I put it that way!

I've been drinking Ensure Plus Calories every day with either lunch or dinner, and I actually look forward to it lol! Never thought I'd see the day.. but yes things have been looking up. I now have entirely eliminated B/P at breakfast time and I am comfortable eating an entire meal. I am actually always comfortable with eating an entire healthy portioned meal without purging now- I look back to 4 months ago when I wasn't comfortable keeping down anything. I still get some strong urges to B/P every so often and like I said, it hasn't been happening more than once a day which is totally completely 100% AWESOME for me!

I've really been feeling so much better about myself since I've been gaining as well. I'm definitely restoring chemical imbalances and I truly feel like a new person. It really is amazing how far I've come even in the past few weeks alone. I used to feel like I was doomed to be miserable, empty, and eating disordered for life- but now I KNOW that there's hope.

Obviously like in any recovery there have been some valleys as well as hills... I've been having a lot of trouble with beating myself up after a B/P. The guilt I feel now is SO much more tremendous than it used to be. I think it is because I want recovery so bad now- and I know that there are so many people who I don't want to disappoint! I know that these feelings are probably normal- and it is definitely part of the recovery process to learn how to stay motivated and pick yourself up after a slip-up.

Anyway- I should probably get going... gotta get ready for an afternoon by the pool :) Thank you so much for all your support so far... I'm going to try my best to update you all more often!! Hope everyone is enjoying their summer so far :)

Stay strong, stay YOU!
Colette xo

Appointment Update!

Okay. Update :)

I'm on day 2 of the Prozac 20 mg. This past week I decreased my binging and purging to 2 times a day and I'm hoping to get that down to 1 this week! I can't WAIT until the first day of no binging or purging. It will definitely call for a celebration! lol. Anyway I'm still having trouble sleeping and I absolutely believe its a side effect of the Prozac at this point. As far as my mood goes, it has still been up and down. Yesterday it was really down, I think the whole dad situation that I talked about in my previous entry kinda set the tone for the day.

So I had two appointments- the first with my dietitian. Turns out my weight did go down a bit but she said it may be due to my decrease in binging. I've been doing really well with breakfast, I now eat the entire thing without purging!! Now I'm going to try and tackle dinner. She said since I had success with my method I took for breakfast (starting out with half portions of everything and working my way up to a full breakfast serving) that I was okay to do that for dinner. However now I have to add a 300 calorie "fun food" at night to stop the weight loss. We went and bought these yummy Rolo ice cream sandwiches which were SUPER delicious and they were small enough that they didn't make me feel sick.

Anywho. I had the next meeting with my therapist and we didn't end up talking about the "thing" that I wanted to talk about with my mom because my dietitian showed up to the meeting as well so we decided that we would solely dedicate this appointment to educating my mom on the disease and how to be a better support. My therapist suggested that she come back next week so we can spend an entire hour on the subject, which I agreed was a good idea. So my mom is doing great so far with everything. I'm finding that it is easier for me to talk to her lately and it feels great.

Tonight is my wonderful boyfriend "J's" graduation! I'm so excited for him! He works so hard in everything he does and he is always so successful.I am so in love with J. He has been by my side every step of the way during my relapse/road to recovery.

 

 Stay strong, stay YOU

Colette xo

Crack Skinny?

People at work are starting to notice. I've been getting a lot of comments about my weight and I feel very uncomfortable about it. "Oh honey, you need to put some weight on, you'll never be able to have children!" or "We actually have some meat on our bones!" and here's the best one "Oh hey, crack skinny." I know that I look thin to people, but I am not sickly looking! It really gets me down to hear things like this :( People are cruel. But then again, people are ignorant. They have no idea that I'm really struggling inside with this disease, so they just say anything that comes to mind. I don't want people at work to know. I've been thinking of telling the managers since I've really not been feeling well lately- but things like this spread like wild fire. EDs have always been such a taboo subject. I don't want to be treated differently if people knew, and it is a sure outcome.

I wish I didn't have to be so secretive about this. This is something that I've really been gruelling over lately- I feel ashamed of my ED. I wish I could be open about it and talk about it freely, raise awareness in this World because there are SO many people who are silently suffering. But, I can't. I can't walk down the street with a sign over my head saying, "Hi, I'm Colette and I have an eating disorder" (not that I'd actually do that ;) but you get the point). I believe that people in their most fundamental, organic state, are judgemental. I believe we are all judgemental in some form or another. Yes, there are many who have an open mind! And THEY are the ones we need to surround ourselves when we are on the path to recovery. But as far as those who for example decide to call you, "Crack skinny," we need to veer far from them.

We are in a state where we are not even able to love or support ourselves. If we can't, who will? I've been trying to increase my support system to include only those who are able to fill the void that Ed created; the love, positivity, and support that Ed robbed us of. Right now there are few people who know about my eating disorder. There are even fewer who I am able to confide in! I am truly hoping to be able to widen my support system and increase the love and support that is so desperately needed in this time.

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo