Good News and Bad News.

The good news is that I have gone a three WHOLE days in a row without ANY Ed behaviours. This past weekend has been so amazing! I went to my boyfriend's cottage and I felt so free. The past couple weeks I found myself getting back into a bad cycle of binging and purging but my goal for this past weekend was to break the cycle since I tend to only engage in Ed behaviours when I'm alone- and I was pretty much surrounded by people 24/7 which was good. I achieved my goal!!! Now I must focus on maintaining my three day record and hopefully continue to have B/P-free days until my next appointments with the dietitian and therapist this Wednesday. If I could do it for these past three days, there's nothing stopping me from continuing for the next three! You hear that Ed? F*** off. Anyway here is a pic of the lovely view this weekend:

The bad news is that my body image has been getting worse and worse. It feels like the fat just keeps piling on. I've developed a bad habit of grabbing my body in certain places to feel the weight that I've gained and Ed keeps screaming at me that I'm huge and worthless. I find it so exhausting to always have to remind myself that these are Ed's thoughts and not mine. That these thoughts are highly unrealistic and that I am succeeding exceptionally in my recovery! I feel like I've gained a LOT of weight this week but we will see on Wednesday at my appointment... I'm going to try not to weight myself at home. But yes my clothes are definitely fitting a lot different. Ed thinks that I have blown up into a balloon now and my clothes are WAY too tight... however I know that my clothes actually almost fit me properly now, rather than falling off my body! Ugh. I HATE these back-and-forth thoughts between Ed and myself. I just want to be free from this! The doctor said that the sooner I reach my goal weight, the quicker my recovery will be.

I've been trying to search if there's a positive body image group or something in my city but so far, no luck (surprising? no). If all else fails I will try to find some sort of support group online. If any of you have any suggestions PLEASE let me know! I need to kick this poor outlook on my body to the curb.

Gahhhh my pc is about to die to I have to leave it here! I am hoping to write you all a big, long, detailed update on my recovery sometime soon :)

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Appointment Update!

Okay. Update :)

I'm on day 2 of the Prozac 20 mg. This past week I decreased my binging and purging to 2 times a day and I'm hoping to get that down to 1 this week! I can't WAIT until the first day of no binging or purging. It will definitely call for a celebration! lol. Anyway I'm still having trouble sleeping and I absolutely believe its a side effect of the Prozac at this point. As far as my mood goes, it has still been up and down. Yesterday it was really down, I think the whole dad situation that I talked about in my previous entry kinda set the tone for the day.

So I had two appointments- the first with my dietitian. Turns out my weight did go down a bit but she said it may be due to my decrease in binging. I've been doing really well with breakfast, I now eat the entire thing without purging!! Now I'm going to try and tackle dinner. She said since I had success with my method I took for breakfast (starting out with half portions of everything and working my way up to a full breakfast serving) that I was okay to do that for dinner. However now I have to add a 300 calorie "fun food" at night to stop the weight loss. We went and bought these yummy Rolo ice cream sandwiches which were SUPER delicious and they were small enough that they didn't make me feel sick.

Anywho. I had the next meeting with my therapist and we didn't end up talking about the "thing" that I wanted to talk about with my mom because my dietitian showed up to the meeting as well so we decided that we would solely dedicate this appointment to educating my mom on the disease and how to be a better support. My therapist suggested that she come back next week so we can spend an entire hour on the subject, which I agreed was a good idea. So my mom is doing great so far with everything. I'm finding that it is easier for me to talk to her lately and it feels great.

Tonight is my wonderful boyfriend "J's" graduation! I'm so excited for him! He works so hard in everything he does and he is always so successful.I am so in love with J. He has been by my side every step of the way during my relapse/road to recovery.

 

 Stay strong, stay YOU

Colette xo

Body Insecurities

I don't really know what to write about right now, but I feel like blogging so let's see where this brings us.

I haven't really been following my dietitian's orders. I still haven't eaten a "full" breakfast without purging. I have tomorrow and Tuesday morning that I HAVE to do it! Our goal was to do it twice by the time my next appointment is- which is on Tuesday haha. However she will be happy to hear that my bingeing and purging has decreased dramatically. I think my weight went down a bit however :S She won't be happy about that. I always have so much guilt when I go to my appointments. I feel like a failure for not meeting my goals- I feel like they think that I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough? I don't know. 

Something else that I've been thinking about lately: I am so embarrassed of my body. I can't even imagine wearing a bikini right now. I feel like I look like I'm 12, and I can see the stares from people. I don't feel comfortable. So on one hand, I feel like I need to lose more weight- but on the other hand I feel like I look too thin and unnatural. I guess that's the difference between Ed and me? He thinks I'm not thin enough, and  I think I'm too thin. So confusing! Wish I could just have a normal brain haha.

Anyway- I've run out of things to talk about so I'm gonna end this here :)

Stay strong, stay YOU!
Colette xo

Good Ol' Dietitian Business

So I feel like I'm TOTALLY spamming you with all these blogs, but this is new and exciting for me and I feel like there's a lot I need to get off my chest right now.

Anyway. So I think I want the purpose of this post to kinda talk about what what is going on currently in my treatment. I just started going to a new clinic where they have a team of professionals who specialize in eating disorders. I've had a few meetings with the nurse practitioners (they're GREAT!) and a meeting with the dietitian. On Wednesday I go to see my new doctor which I'm excited about because I heard that this woman is pretty much the definition of caring! Since I'm kinda in the beginning stages with them, things are seeming kind of slow I am worried that what they have to offer will not be enough which I talked about a few blogs ago. So really I'm just kinda riding things out to see if it really is enough!

While I'm enjoying my appointments with the NPs (they are so enlightening!), I did not enjoy the meeting with the dietitian so much. She is nice, but not as I guess "personable" as the NPs. She kept talking about scary things like weight restoration, giving up behaviours, etc. Ahhhhhhhhh. Anyway together we came up with a meal plan. I guess it wasn't as much as a meal plan as it was a serving size plan. She really does not want to focus on counting calories, rather she wants me to focus on servings. I've been bingeing almost all my meals, and I've been having a difficult time keeping anything down (binge or no binge). SO when we came up with our serving plan, we made it keeping in mind that she wants me to get away from the purging. Since I had been eating a larger amount each day than what she feels are healthy servings for meals and snacks, I thought it wouldn't be any problem following her plan.

Yea, right. Ed is so incredibly manipulative and controlling! So abusive to my body. I didn't realize exactly how consumed I was by him until I attempted to follow the meal plan. Obviously I tried to tackle the entire day due to my "all-or-nothing" way of thinking. I realize now however, that breakfast is enough to work on right now. Last week was the FIRST breakfast that I did not binge in, oh I don't know how long. It was actually an amazing feeling. I was actually in control and was able to tell Ed "No!" I sat myself down at the table for once (instead of eating in my usual habitat: the kitchen counter) and ate only what I prepared. Ed was still jumping in because I cut all the servings of what I was supposed to eat in half, and I also attempted purging after. BUT I DIDN'T BINGE! I felt so free. The rest of the day was the usual binge and purge day, but I still felt so encouraged that I was actually able to disobey Ed and NOT binge.

When Ed takes over, it feels like that he is all you know. Sometimes I feel like I will never be healthy, that I will always be under Ed's trance. When I didn't  binge that first time, I felt a flicker of confidence that someday, I WILL be able to overcome this one day. I know it will take time. A lot of time. But I know that if I want to live, I have to keep fighting. I heard once that an eating disorder is a parallel to a slow suicide. I do not want death. I want life. Right now, mentally the old me does feel breathless, cut off from the world. In that sense, I have lost my life. But that is not to say one day I won't be able to wake from this hell!


Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo