Breakthrough. Finally.

Wow.
Honestly so much has happened since the last time I blogged.... I have had some MAJOR breakthroughs, in a positive direction! I have had such amazing conversations with the most important people in my life and I now realize how important it is for me to nourish myself and begin weight restoration.

I want to finish school this year
I want to continue my life with my boyfriend
I want to become a nurse
I want to have children
I want to be able to exercise again
I want to have strong and healthy hair, bones, and teeth
I want to continue to work part time
I want to be able to go out to eat without anxiety or worry
I want to be pretty again
I want to have curves like women were made to have!
I want to nourish my mind, body, and spirit
I want to live

^ These are only some of the things that Ed is keeping from me if I continue on this path.

I don't want to look at myself with hatred
I don't want to be cold all the time
I don't want my hair to continue to fall out
I don't want to feel like a shell walking around anymore
I don't want to look malnourished and feel empty inside
I don't want to end up in the hospital
I don't want to die

^ These only begin to describe the hell that I am going through. If I continue on this path, I know that death is my ultimate fate.

I had a huge realization that I have stopped caring about myself completely... and I forgot that there are people in my life who care about me very, very much.

I had a huge realization that I look unwell. My eyes look empty. I have no more life in my face. My bones stick out in every direction. I saw a recent picture of myself and compared it to a picture from last summer. The difference is horrific. I am actually EXCITED to restore my weight!!

Not only was it the amazing conversations with loved ones which triggered this change in me. One morning I stepped on the scale and I saw a number in a group of numbers that I've never seen so low before. It scared me. After throwing all of Ed's "Hurrays" out of my head I thought to myself- enough is enough.

I now look at food as nourishment rather than fat and calories. I tell myself that you know what?! It's okay to eat! I am nourishing my body... something which I have not done for a very, very long time. I feel so free right now. I am absolutely loving life.

I know that not every day will be a good day. But what I need to remember are all of the things which I want in my life and how they all outweigh everything that Ed has every told me. I am feeling so incredibly strong right now!!

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo