Appointment Update!

Okay. Update :)

I'm on day 2 of the Prozac 20 mg. This past week I decreased my binging and purging to 2 times a day and I'm hoping to get that down to 1 this week! I can't WAIT until the first day of no binging or purging. It will definitely call for a celebration! lol. Anyway I'm still having trouble sleeping and I absolutely believe its a side effect of the Prozac at this point. As far as my mood goes, it has still been up and down. Yesterday it was really down, I think the whole dad situation that I talked about in my previous entry kinda set the tone for the day.

So I had two appointments- the first with my dietitian. Turns out my weight did go down a bit but she said it may be due to my decrease in binging. I've been doing really well with breakfast, I now eat the entire thing without purging!! Now I'm going to try and tackle dinner. She said since I had success with my method I took for breakfast (starting out with half portions of everything and working my way up to a full breakfast serving) that I was okay to do that for dinner. However now I have to add a 300 calorie "fun food" at night to stop the weight loss. We went and bought these yummy Rolo ice cream sandwiches which were SUPER delicious and they were small enough that they didn't make me feel sick.

Anywho. I had the next meeting with my therapist and we didn't end up talking about the "thing" that I wanted to talk about with my mom because my dietitian showed up to the meeting as well so we decided that we would solely dedicate this appointment to educating my mom on the disease and how to be a better support. My therapist suggested that she come back next week so we can spend an entire hour on the subject, which I agreed was a good idea. So my mom is doing great so far with everything. I'm finding that it is easier for me to talk to her lately and it feels great.

Tonight is my wonderful boyfriend "J's" graduation! I'm so excited for him! He works so hard in everything he does and he is always so successful.I am so in love with J. He has been by my side every step of the way during my relapse/road to recovery.

 

 Stay strong, stay YOU

Colette xo

Prozac Day 6

I have THE WORST insomnia. okay well maybe not the worst, but like most people- I am someone who likes their sleep uninterrupted. Last night I was up from 2:00-4:30ish with like more energy than I have during a typical day lol. Again, I woke up on and off throughout the night, then at 6:00 I woke up for another hour. What is this madness!!!! Not fun. I'm tired and miserable today. I've been having increasingly worse sleeps since the Prozac began. Side effect? I'm thinking so.

My weight is also up 1 pound since yesterday and I ate my entire breakfast without purging like I was "supposed" to. I am so miserable and hating my body right now. I am fighting off the urge to purge right now with the only incentive is that I don't want to purge up my Prozac. Ed is screaming so loud in my ear right now... telling my how fat and ugly I am... How I have no control over my life anymore. He tells me that I have to stop listening to my treatment team because all they want is for me to get fat.

Last night was burger night in my house. I was having the hardest time trying to finish my meal because I knew that I couldn't purge after. My mom is taking the initiative to sit with me after dinner until the feeling passes. My anxiety was through the roof. As much as I didn't want to finish my dinner, I did because I was afraid my mom was going to judge me for not eating it all. I was really trying to be mindful and fight all of Ed's thoughts as soon as I heard them. "Omg, I need to purge this," turned into: "You know what? I need to nourish myself. I don`t want to have to go to treatment. I want to be able to finish my last year of university this year."

That last part is SO incredibly true. I want SOOOO bad to finish my last year- basically my Dr. said that if I'm still where I am today by the time September roles around, I won't be able to do that. I want to get a hold of my life again- so that Ed no longer determines my fate.

Anyway- my posts get so side-tracked lol! Prozac side effects! Ummm really the worst thing is the whole sleep thing. I have found a drastic change in my ability to resist binging. It is very freeing! I also used to have a huge problem with wasting money on binge food- I haven't bought anything this past week on the medication. Money in the bank! lmao

I really  have to get going right now so I'm gonna have to cut this short- but please feel free to send me any questions or comments  or anything!! :)

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Day Three on Prozac

I just wanted to do a little update for you guys on my new little happy pill. I've been taking 10 mg to start and I will start on 20 mg on Wednesday. So far, things have been GREAT. I've been noticing that I've had a few emotional ups and downs, but that's not much different from normal haha. As far as the bingeing and purging though- amazing! I'm not sure if its just all in my head or if its actually working but I have had so many fewer urges to binge and purge! I only had one episode today. Such a drastic change from my 5-6 that I was going through a few weeks ago. Although things have improved quite a bit, I still have gotten an urge every here an there. How do I deal? I honestly think about how horrible the purging would be after and how I don't want to put myself through that. After all who enjoys purging??! Nobody. It might make us feel better temporarily afterward (*please note temporarily! We all know this is not a healthy coping mechanism -.- Just reinforcing that lol ;) but this "good" feeling is short lived.  Purging has become very difficult lately for me as well- it's like my body doesn't want to let go of the food anymore? Who knows. All I know is that I'm hating it more and more, and I don't want to ruin my insides ANY longer.

The only problem is that I'm having a difficult time transitioning to a binge-purge-free life. I find that I'm restricting more to compensate. It's so frustrating! Where has this such intense fear of food come from? Why do we fear what keeps us alive? Why is it many (if not most) people suffering with eating disorders fear weight gain more than death? It is so mind-boggling when putting these things into perspective.

Anyway. My post is getting a little side tracked. I haven't noticed many side effects yet- and again this is a very low dose so once I'm on the 20 mgs I might have more to tell you. I'm just happy that my bingeing and purging has gone down, HALLELUJAH. I will keep you guys updated :)

In the mean-time, I'm going to try and focus on my meal plan. By Tuesday I have to had eaten two full breakfasts (2 grains, 1 milk, and 1-2 protein servings) without purging. Ahhhh.. Seems so simple, yet it really has been a difficult task so far. Ed is still in the back of my mind telling me that it's okay if I don't reach my goal... I can just "try it again next week." NO Ed. I need to do this now, so go f*** yourself.

Lmao sorry guys :) Ed doesn't treat me right so why should I respect him, right?!

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Distraction Techniques Anyone?

Wow. I just fought an incredibly strong urge to binge. It was one of those "Oh my God there is nothing more I want to do on this earth right now besides stuff my face with food,"moments. I decided that I'd distract myself with Ellen and some food porn on the Food Network (lol), and NOT give into the urge because I knew that eating would be a trigger for me to purge. I need to get away from the purging. A few weeks ago it was happening 5-6 times a day, practically every time I ate. Since I've been working on not bingeing or purging my breakfast, I got my purging down to about 4ish times per day. Yesterday (my first day on Prozac), I only had ONE episode of bingeing and purging!

I couldn't believe it! I am hoping to try and keep it at one time a day, but I feel that might be a bit of a long shot. Just gotta remember to take things day by day.

What do you do for distraction techniques? I find this concept very hard lol- Even when I'm trying to distract myself, I'm STILL thinking about food.

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Prozac, School, and Treatment Desicions

I had my appointment with my new doctor today. She really helped put a lot of things into perspective. After getting my history and everything we talked about medications. For all my life I have been SO skeptical of anti-depressants. I know way too many people who have told me horror stories about horrible side-effects, zombie-like states, and suicide attempts. In the past I have heard about doctors using Prozac to decrease binge-purge episodes. She told me that very few of her eating-disordered patients have difficulties with this medication, and that if I don't like it then I don't have to stay on it (but I do have to give it a chance). I left the appointment with a much more open mind about them and a prescription in my hand! My boyfriend is so completely against them so I'm going to have to talk to him about them tonight.

We also talked about treatments options. I explained to her that while I've been looking for inpatient programs, I don't think that I'm sick enough to go. She told me that was 100% not true. She said what I need is to actually be placed in an inpatient or day program, however the problem is that there are such limited resources in my area. She suggested that I apply to a program that is a few hours away from where I live, but the wait list takes at least 3-4 months to get in. She said that that way, depending on my progress, if I need it when they call me, I'll go. If it turns out I'm doing a lot better, I can decline!

The last problem that we discussed is school. I am entering my 4th year of nursing in September. Clearly I want to be able to finish my last year so I can start my career! However my doctor explained to me that I have a serious illness. She told me that my eating disorder is out of control, no matter how much I tell myself that I am okay. She told me to imagine that I had cancer and the doctor told me that I needed chemotherapy. Would I respond, "I just need to put the chemo on hold for a year so I can finish school." ?? NO WAY. I would be risking my life for school? Not no way, not no how. It kind of made me think, why do we minimize our eating disorders? An ED is a life threatening illness. Why would we ever put our therapy on hold for other things in our life? It was like I was saying that I value my schooling more than my life. But now that I think about it, maybe I do? I've been treating my body and soul so horribly lately, it is clear why I wouldn't mind pushing treatment to the side for other things in my life.

My mind is still foggy about everything. Ed has taken such a hold of me that I can't sense right vs. wrong anymore.

Anyway if any of you have been on Prozac, please let me know the pros/cons! I'd love to hear your experience.

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo