So Fucking Angry. Father Issues.

Excuse my french, but I'm so fucking angry right now. Just for a little history, I pretty much only see my dad on my birthday and on Christmas. Other than that, I only see him here and there when he's dropping legal papers off for my mom. He always tells me how "busy" he is during our rare phone conversations. Ever since him and my mom separated 7 or 8 years ago he has been living the life- doing what he pleases, when he pleases, no responsibility of his 5 children and 6 grandchildren.

Anyway he shows up this morning to drop off some paper for my mom, and notices my nose ring that I got 4 months ago. He says, "When did you get that? I've never noticed that before," and I reply, "Well I really don't see you that often, do I." As I started to tear up I left and went back in the house, leaving him sitting in his car in the drive way.

Of course seconds later he calls me and apologizes for everything and says it's his fault for rarely seeing each other. It seemed like my only comments for the entire conversation was "mhmm." He continued to say how sorry for how much he hurt me, like he was waiting for me to say "it's okay dad, I understand," a statement that I definitely didn't let pass my lips. Now he wants to go to breakfast tomorrow morning. Obviously in the moment I said "sounds good" due to my lack of back bone at the moment.

Are you fucking kidding me. I am so angry right now and I don't know how to get this anger out of me. There is nothing in my body that wants to see him right now. Why are you coming to me now??? He has been so incredibly lacking in my life for the past few years, that now is too late. I have so much anger toward him right now, there is no way I'll be able to go with him tomorrow. I'm texting him tonight and telling him that I'm going.

There's part of me that feels like I have to go tomorrow. I am SO afraid of  hurting people and I feel like I will hurt him by telling him that I don't want to go. I really struggle with this. Am I a bad person to not want to spend time with my dad right now? I feel like I will be a hypocrite by calling him out on being so absent in my life... and then I go and tell him that I don't want to spend time with him now? Ahhh I don't know. Somebody please put this into perspective for me!!