I have THE WORST insomnia. okay well maybe not the worst, but like most people- I am someone who likes their sleep uninterrupted. Last night I was up from 2:00-4:30ish with like more energy than I have during a typical day lol. Again, I woke up on and off throughout the night, then at 6:00 I woke up for another hour. What is this madness!!!! Not fun. I'm tired and miserable today. I've been having increasingly worse sleeps since the Prozac began. Side effect? I'm thinking so.
My weight is also up 1 pound since yesterday and I ate my entire breakfast without purging like I was "supposed" to. I am so miserable and hating my body right now. I am fighting off the urge to purge right now with the only incentive is that I don't want to purge up my Prozac. Ed is screaming so loud in my ear right now... telling my how fat and ugly I am... How I have no control over my life anymore. He tells me that I have to stop listening to my treatment team because all they want is for me to get fat.
Last night was burger night in my house. I was having the hardest time trying to finish my meal because I knew that I couldn't purge after. My mom is taking the initiative to sit with me after dinner until the feeling passes. My anxiety was through the roof. As much as I didn't want to finish my dinner, I did because I was afraid my mom was going to judge me for not eating it all. I was really trying to be mindful and fight all of Ed's thoughts as soon as I heard them. "Omg, I need to purge this," turned into: "You know what? I need to nourish myself. I don`t want to have to go to treatment. I want to be able to finish my last year of university this year."
That last part is SO incredibly true. I want SOOOO bad to finish my last year- basically my Dr. said that if I'm still where I am today by the time September roles around, I won't be able to do that. I want to get a hold of my life again- so that Ed no longer determines my fate.
Anyway- my posts get so side-tracked lol! Prozac side effects! Ummm really the worst thing is the whole sleep thing. I have found a drastic change in my ability to resist binging. It is very freeing! I also used to have a huge problem with wasting money on binge food- I haven't bought anything this past week on the medication. Money in the bank! lmao
I really have to get going right now so I'm gonna have to cut this short- but please feel free to send me any questions or comments or anything!! :)
Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Monday, June 11, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Prozac, School, and Treatment Desicions
I had my appointment with my new doctor today. She really helped put a lot of things into perspective. After getting my history and everything we talked about medications. For all my life I have been SO skeptical of anti-depressants. I know way too many people who have told me horror stories about horrible side-effects, zombie-like states, and suicide attempts. In the past I have heard about doctors using Prozac to decrease binge-purge episodes. She told me that very few of her eating-disordered patients have difficulties with this medication, and that if I don't like it then I don't have to stay on it (but I do have to give it a chance). I left the appointment with a much more open mind about them and a prescription in my hand! My boyfriend is so completely against them so I'm going to have to talk to him about them tonight.
We also talked about treatments options. I explained to her that while I've been looking for inpatient programs, I don't think that I'm sick enough to go. She told me that was 100% not true. She said what I need is to actually be placed in an inpatient or day program, however the problem is that there are such limited resources in my area. She suggested that I apply to a program that is a few hours away from where I live, but the wait list takes at least 3-4 months to get in. She said that that way, depending on my progress, if I need it when they call me, I'll go. If it turns out I'm doing a lot better, I can decline!
The last problem that we discussed is school. I am entering my 4th year of nursing in September. Clearly I want to be able to finish my last year so I can start my career! However my doctor explained to me that I have a serious illness. She told me that my eating disorder is out of control, no matter how much I tell myself that I am okay. She told me to imagine that I had cancer and the doctor told me that I needed chemotherapy. Would I respond, "I just need to put the chemo on hold for a year so I can finish school." ?? NO WAY. I would be risking my life for school? Not no way, not no how. It kind of made me think, why do we minimize our eating disorders? An ED is a life threatening illness. Why would we ever put our therapy on hold for other things in our life? It was like I was saying that I value my schooling more than my life. But now that I think about it, maybe I do? I've been treating my body and soul so horribly lately, it is clear why I wouldn't mind pushing treatment to the side for other things in my life.
My mind is still foggy about everything. Ed has taken such a hold of me that I can't sense right vs. wrong anymore.
Anyway if any of you have been on Prozac, please let me know the pros/cons! I'd love to hear your experience.
Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo
We also talked about treatments options. I explained to her that while I've been looking for inpatient programs, I don't think that I'm sick enough to go. She told me that was 100% not true. She said what I need is to actually be placed in an inpatient or day program, however the problem is that there are such limited resources in my area. She suggested that I apply to a program that is a few hours away from where I live, but the wait list takes at least 3-4 months to get in. She said that that way, depending on my progress, if I need it when they call me, I'll go. If it turns out I'm doing a lot better, I can decline!
The last problem that we discussed is school. I am entering my 4th year of nursing in September. Clearly I want to be able to finish my last year so I can start my career! However my doctor explained to me that I have a serious illness. She told me that my eating disorder is out of control, no matter how much I tell myself that I am okay. She told me to imagine that I had cancer and the doctor told me that I needed chemotherapy. Would I respond, "I just need to put the chemo on hold for a year so I can finish school." ?? NO WAY. I would be risking my life for school? Not no way, not no how. It kind of made me think, why do we minimize our eating disorders? An ED is a life threatening illness. Why would we ever put our therapy on hold for other things in our life? It was like I was saying that I value my schooling more than my life. But now that I think about it, maybe I do? I've been treating my body and soul so horribly lately, it is clear why I wouldn't mind pushing treatment to the side for other things in my life.
My mind is still foggy about everything. Ed has taken such a hold of me that I can't sense right vs. wrong anymore.
Anyway if any of you have been on Prozac, please let me know the pros/cons! I'd love to hear your experience.
Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo
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