A lot of things have been going through my mind lately (what else is knew right? lol). I've been thinking a lot about my recovery and how I've been feeling about treatment, etc. The first time I recovered, I couldn't believe how easy it was. I think it was more about "pleasing" the treatment team and giving them what they wanted to see. I think it was more of going through the motions and not really addressing the deep emotional issues that I have inside. If I ever went back to an appointment without meeting a goal 100%, I felt like a complete failure.
This time is different. It is a lot harder. Like incredibly more difficult. So I've bee digging deep inside of me to try and figure out what is hindering me so much this time around- and then it hit me. Ed makes me think that recovery is for the weak. Ed makes me feel that if I give in to treatment and start fighting for recovery, I am a failure to my eating disorder. Ed makes me feel like I need to prove to the treatment team that I'm better off with my ED, that giving in to what the team wants for me is a sign of weakness, that I'm not in "control."
HOW MESSED UP IS THAT. Yet I'm sure most of you have felt this way at one point or another in your road to recovery. I feel like I'm trying to rebel! Which is odd for me because I have always been an extreme people-pleaser. For example- each week we make a few goals. Right now I'm focusing on not bingeing my breakfast and keeping it down. I've actually been doing well with this goal, as hard as it had been for me. So the time comes for my next appointment, and they ask me how the week went. I can't put my finger on exactly how I feel when they ask me it, so I'll try to explain.
I don't like telling them that I achieved my goals (although I do tell them). It's almost like I feel ashamed that I'm able to keep my breakfast down. I think Ed is in the back of my mind saying "You seriously gave into their commands? They're just trying to make you fat." I feel like I want them to think that me and Ed are best buds and that it is going to take a lot more time and persistence from them for me to achieve a simple goal. It's like I'm not trying to please people anymore, I'm trying to please Ed.
Have you ever felt like this? I'm so confused because I want recovery more than anything! I don't understand what kind of twisted thinking this is. I keep telling myself how much I don't want Ed in my life anymore and how I desperately need recovery- but am I subconsciously still sacrificing everything for Ed? I don't know anymore. My mind is so foggy these days.
Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo
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