Good News and Bad News.

The good news is that I have gone a three WHOLE days in a row without ANY Ed behaviours. This past weekend has been so amazing! I went to my boyfriend's cottage and I felt so free. The past couple weeks I found myself getting back into a bad cycle of binging and purging but my goal for this past weekend was to break the cycle since I tend to only engage in Ed behaviours when I'm alone- and I was pretty much surrounded by people 24/7 which was good. I achieved my goal!!! Now I must focus on maintaining my three day record and hopefully continue to have B/P-free days until my next appointments with the dietitian and therapist this Wednesday. If I could do it for these past three days, there's nothing stopping me from continuing for the next three! You hear that Ed? F*** off. Anyway here is a pic of the lovely view this weekend:

The bad news is that my body image has been getting worse and worse. It feels like the fat just keeps piling on. I've developed a bad habit of grabbing my body in certain places to feel the weight that I've gained and Ed keeps screaming at me that I'm huge and worthless. I find it so exhausting to always have to remind myself that these are Ed's thoughts and not mine. That these thoughts are highly unrealistic and that I am succeeding exceptionally in my recovery! I feel like I've gained a LOT of weight this week but we will see on Wednesday at my appointment... I'm going to try not to weight myself at home. But yes my clothes are definitely fitting a lot different. Ed thinks that I have blown up into a balloon now and my clothes are WAY too tight... however I know that my clothes actually almost fit me properly now, rather than falling off my body! Ugh. I HATE these back-and-forth thoughts between Ed and myself. I just want to be free from this! The doctor said that the sooner I reach my goal weight, the quicker my recovery will be.

I've been trying to search if there's a positive body image group or something in my city but so far, no luck (surprising? no). If all else fails I will try to find some sort of support group online. If any of you have any suggestions PLEASE let me know! I need to kick this poor outlook on my body to the curb.

Gahhhh my pc is about to die to I have to leave it here! I am hoping to write you all a big, long, detailed update on my recovery sometime soon :)

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Things are still lookin up :)

It's been a while since I've posted!! A lot has happened for better and for worse, but mostly for the better! I've been visiting my sister in Baltimore since last Thursday and we will be driving back to Canada. Anyway things have been going really well. I've pretty much decreased my B/P episodes to 0-1 times per day. I still have been purging usually once per day but I have had a few days of NO B/P which has been awesome!

I've been really focusing on being mindful and disobeying ED's commands. I've been gaining, which has been really difficult to see the extra weight added to my body- but whenever I have negative thoughts about my body I really try and remind myself about all the things I want to achieve in my life which ED is keeping me from. The number one thing that has been motivating me is having a future and a family with my boyfriend. He is truly the love of my life and I can't imagine being without him. I always ask myself:

Would I rather have a healthy life with J, have children, surrounded by love, friends, and family? Or live a life alone, isolated with my eating disorder:sick, thin, and nothing but an empty shell.

Its such an easy choice when I put it that way!

I've been drinking Ensure Plus Calories every day with either lunch or dinner, and I actually look forward to it lol! Never thought I'd see the day.. but yes things have been looking up. I now have entirely eliminated B/P at breakfast time and I am comfortable eating an entire meal. I am actually always comfortable with eating an entire healthy portioned meal without purging now- I look back to 4 months ago when I wasn't comfortable keeping down anything. I still get some strong urges to B/P every so often and like I said, it hasn't been happening more than once a day which is totally completely 100% AWESOME for me!

I've really been feeling so much better about myself since I've been gaining as well. I'm definitely restoring chemical imbalances and I truly feel like a new person. It really is amazing how far I've come even in the past few weeks alone. I used to feel like I was doomed to be miserable, empty, and eating disordered for life- but now I KNOW that there's hope.

Obviously like in any recovery there have been some valleys as well as hills... I've been having a lot of trouble with beating myself up after a B/P. The guilt I feel now is SO much more tremendous than it used to be. I think it is because I want recovery so bad now- and I know that there are so many people who I don't want to disappoint! I know that these feelings are probably normal- and it is definitely part of the recovery process to learn how to stay motivated and pick yourself up after a slip-up.

Anyway- I should probably get going... gotta get ready for an afternoon by the pool :) Thank you so much for all your support so far... I'm going to try my best to update you all more often!! Hope everyone is enjoying their summer so far :)

Stay strong, stay YOU!
Colette xo

Time for Change, Dad

I decided I'm going to take up reading. I just went to Chapters and bought like 6 books that I want to read before the month is up. I pretty much stopped reading when University started..... I mean who wants to read ON TOP of the billion pages of reading that were assigned each week?? And this past year with Ed hanging over my head- reading even for school seemed impossible. I never had enough focus to get through one paragraph without having to read it at least 4 times through. I just finished my first book... a VERY light read haha. But finishing that last chapter just gave me a great feeling of accomplishment: something I haven't felt in a very long time.

Anyway about Ed- I find that I'm really starting to focus on calories ever since I've been focusing on decreasing my B/P. It's like I'm trying to "compensate" or something. I don't think I've gained any weight yet- I'm starting to realize just how afraid I am of gaining. I feel like I really do gauge my self-worth by my weight. I feel that people will not appreciate me as much if I was a "normal" or "healthy" weight. I'm sure many of you who are recovering have gone through these feelings as well. How do you get over this fear? Recovery seems like such a far away place right now. On one hand, I want treatment. I want recovery. On the other hand, I want to keep losing, I'd rather be "sick." I know it is Ed who keeps telling me this but sometimes it's hard to identify what thoughts are Ed and what thoughts are mine.

This past Sunday was the first day in over 6 (maybe even 7?) months that I did not purge once. I felt GREAT!! Not to be hanging over the toilet for one whole day of my life, I felt so free! Ed, however felt gross, fat, bloated, and pathetic for "giving in" to recovery. Ed told me that I was weak for not fighting for him. But I was a fighter. I was so strong to fight Ed's horrible demands for those 24 hours of my life. Those 24 hours, I was free for once. I did what was best for me, for my body- rather than what was "best for Ed."

Another this courageous thing I did this Sunday was write a long overdue letter to my dad. I finally stood up for myself, for my family, and told him exactly how he has neglected and hurt me ever since he left my mom. I felt very guilty for all the things I was writing... but my mom said to me, "Is there anything on that paper that isn't true?" No, there wasn't. Everything that I called him out on that paper was true, and it was horrible to see all the things he has (or hasn't) done written out on paper. Since he received the letter (via email) he has been texting me pretty much non-stop trying to get me to tell him that I forgive him and that everything is okay. I did NOT tell him either of those things! I told him that I am not giving up on him, but I need a whole hell of a lot of time for me to heal from this. I told him I`d go to him when I was ready. Finally I`m able to stand up to my dad... I`m able to tell him what I think without fear of upsetting him. I`m finally at peace with the fact that these are things that he needs to hear.

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Appointment Update!

Okay. Update :)

I'm on day 2 of the Prozac 20 mg. This past week I decreased my binging and purging to 2 times a day and I'm hoping to get that down to 1 this week! I can't WAIT until the first day of no binging or purging. It will definitely call for a celebration! lol. Anyway I'm still having trouble sleeping and I absolutely believe its a side effect of the Prozac at this point. As far as my mood goes, it has still been up and down. Yesterday it was really down, I think the whole dad situation that I talked about in my previous entry kinda set the tone for the day.

So I had two appointments- the first with my dietitian. Turns out my weight did go down a bit but she said it may be due to my decrease in binging. I've been doing really well with breakfast, I now eat the entire thing without purging!! Now I'm going to try and tackle dinner. She said since I had success with my method I took for breakfast (starting out with half portions of everything and working my way up to a full breakfast serving) that I was okay to do that for dinner. However now I have to add a 300 calorie "fun food" at night to stop the weight loss. We went and bought these yummy Rolo ice cream sandwiches which were SUPER delicious and they were small enough that they didn't make me feel sick.

Anywho. I had the next meeting with my therapist and we didn't end up talking about the "thing" that I wanted to talk about with my mom because my dietitian showed up to the meeting as well so we decided that we would solely dedicate this appointment to educating my mom on the disease and how to be a better support. My therapist suggested that she come back next week so we can spend an entire hour on the subject, which I agreed was a good idea. So my mom is doing great so far with everything. I'm finding that it is easier for me to talk to her lately and it feels great.

Tonight is my wonderful boyfriend "J's" graduation! I'm so excited for him! He works so hard in everything he does and he is always so successful.I am so in love with J. He has been by my side every step of the way during my relapse/road to recovery.

 

 Stay strong, stay YOU

Colette xo

Prozac Day 6

I have THE WORST insomnia. okay well maybe not the worst, but like most people- I am someone who likes their sleep uninterrupted. Last night I was up from 2:00-4:30ish with like more energy than I have during a typical day lol. Again, I woke up on and off throughout the night, then at 6:00 I woke up for another hour. What is this madness!!!! Not fun. I'm tired and miserable today. I've been having increasingly worse sleeps since the Prozac began. Side effect? I'm thinking so.

My weight is also up 1 pound since yesterday and I ate my entire breakfast without purging like I was "supposed" to. I am so miserable and hating my body right now. I am fighting off the urge to purge right now with the only incentive is that I don't want to purge up my Prozac. Ed is screaming so loud in my ear right now... telling my how fat and ugly I am... How I have no control over my life anymore. He tells me that I have to stop listening to my treatment team because all they want is for me to get fat.

Last night was burger night in my house. I was having the hardest time trying to finish my meal because I knew that I couldn't purge after. My mom is taking the initiative to sit with me after dinner until the feeling passes. My anxiety was through the roof. As much as I didn't want to finish my dinner, I did because I was afraid my mom was going to judge me for not eating it all. I was really trying to be mindful and fight all of Ed's thoughts as soon as I heard them. "Omg, I need to purge this," turned into: "You know what? I need to nourish myself. I don`t want to have to go to treatment. I want to be able to finish my last year of university this year."

That last part is SO incredibly true. I want SOOOO bad to finish my last year- basically my Dr. said that if I'm still where I am today by the time September roles around, I won't be able to do that. I want to get a hold of my life again- so that Ed no longer determines my fate.

Anyway- my posts get so side-tracked lol! Prozac side effects! Ummm really the worst thing is the whole sleep thing. I have found a drastic change in my ability to resist binging. It is very freeing! I also used to have a huge problem with wasting money on binge food- I haven't bought anything this past week on the medication. Money in the bank! lmao

I really  have to get going right now so I'm gonna have to cut this short- but please feel free to send me any questions or comments  or anything!! :)

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Good Ol' Dietitian Business

So I feel like I'm TOTALLY spamming you with all these blogs, but this is new and exciting for me and I feel like there's a lot I need to get off my chest right now.

Anyway. So I think I want the purpose of this post to kinda talk about what what is going on currently in my treatment. I just started going to a new clinic where they have a team of professionals who specialize in eating disorders. I've had a few meetings with the nurse practitioners (they're GREAT!) and a meeting with the dietitian. On Wednesday I go to see my new doctor which I'm excited about because I heard that this woman is pretty much the definition of caring! Since I'm kinda in the beginning stages with them, things are seeming kind of slow I am worried that what they have to offer will not be enough which I talked about a few blogs ago. So really I'm just kinda riding things out to see if it really is enough!

While I'm enjoying my appointments with the NPs (they are so enlightening!), I did not enjoy the meeting with the dietitian so much. She is nice, but not as I guess "personable" as the NPs. She kept talking about scary things like weight restoration, giving up behaviours, etc. Ahhhhhhhhh. Anyway together we came up with a meal plan. I guess it wasn't as much as a meal plan as it was a serving size plan. She really does not want to focus on counting calories, rather she wants me to focus on servings. I've been bingeing almost all my meals, and I've been having a difficult time keeping anything down (binge or no binge). SO when we came up with our serving plan, we made it keeping in mind that she wants me to get away from the purging. Since I had been eating a larger amount each day than what she feels are healthy servings for meals and snacks, I thought it wouldn't be any problem following her plan.

Yea, right. Ed is so incredibly manipulative and controlling! So abusive to my body. I didn't realize exactly how consumed I was by him until I attempted to follow the meal plan. Obviously I tried to tackle the entire day due to my "all-or-nothing" way of thinking. I realize now however, that breakfast is enough to work on right now. Last week was the FIRST breakfast that I did not binge in, oh I don't know how long. It was actually an amazing feeling. I was actually in control and was able to tell Ed "No!" I sat myself down at the table for once (instead of eating in my usual habitat: the kitchen counter) and ate only what I prepared. Ed was still jumping in because I cut all the servings of what I was supposed to eat in half, and I also attempted purging after. BUT I DIDN'T BINGE! I felt so free. The rest of the day was the usual binge and purge day, but I still felt so encouraged that I was actually able to disobey Ed and NOT binge.

When Ed takes over, it feels like that he is all you know. Sometimes I feel like I will never be healthy, that I will always be under Ed's trance. When I didn't  binge that first time, I felt a flicker of confidence that someday, I WILL be able to overcome this one day. I know it will take time. A lot of time. But I know that if I want to live, I have to keep fighting. I heard once that an eating disorder is a parallel to a slow suicide. I do not want death. I want life. Right now, mentally the old me does feel breathless, cut off from the world. In that sense, I have lost my life. But that is not to say one day I won't be able to wake from this hell!


Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo