Good News and Bad News.

The good news is that I have gone a three WHOLE days in a row without ANY Ed behaviours. This past weekend has been so amazing! I went to my boyfriend's cottage and I felt so free. The past couple weeks I found myself getting back into a bad cycle of binging and purging but my goal for this past weekend was to break the cycle since I tend to only engage in Ed behaviours when I'm alone- and I was pretty much surrounded by people 24/7 which was good. I achieved my goal!!! Now I must focus on maintaining my three day record and hopefully continue to have B/P-free days until my next appointments with the dietitian and therapist this Wednesday. If I could do it for these past three days, there's nothing stopping me from continuing for the next three! You hear that Ed? F*** off. Anyway here is a pic of the lovely view this weekend:

The bad news is that my body image has been getting worse and worse. It feels like the fat just keeps piling on. I've developed a bad habit of grabbing my body in certain places to feel the weight that I've gained and Ed keeps screaming at me that I'm huge and worthless. I find it so exhausting to always have to remind myself that these are Ed's thoughts and not mine. That these thoughts are highly unrealistic and that I am succeeding exceptionally in my recovery! I feel like I've gained a LOT of weight this week but we will see on Wednesday at my appointment... I'm going to try not to weight myself at home. But yes my clothes are definitely fitting a lot different. Ed thinks that I have blown up into a balloon now and my clothes are WAY too tight... however I know that my clothes actually almost fit me properly now, rather than falling off my body! Ugh. I HATE these back-and-forth thoughts between Ed and myself. I just want to be free from this! The doctor said that the sooner I reach my goal weight, the quicker my recovery will be.

I've been trying to search if there's a positive body image group or something in my city but so far, no luck (surprising? no). If all else fails I will try to find some sort of support group online. If any of you have any suggestions PLEASE let me know! I need to kick this poor outlook on my body to the curb.

Gahhhh my pc is about to die to I have to leave it here! I am hoping to write you all a big, long, detailed update on my recovery sometime soon :)

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Setback-ish

So I feel like I've kinda been going through a bit of a valley rather than a hill lately. I know that this is to be expected during recovery and its not about dwelling on the fact that you're going THROUGH the setback, rather how you deal with it. Is this not correct? Lol. Anyway. I've been having a lot of behaviours lately, and it's because I have to gain a good 20 pounds, and I'm about half-way there in under a MONTH. This is craziness! I know this is great progress, but stupid Ed is on one shoulder, yip-yappin away while on the other I have my support circle. OBVIOUSLY I should be listening to my loved ones and reality, but Ed has been so strong!!! He's such an asshole, seriously. Breaking you down at every opportunity. Tonight was the first time I went out drinking with friends since December. I really don't enjoy drinking that much anymore (got that all out of my system years ago) and only had a couple drinks. I've been having such bad body-image days lately and today was no different. I had a hard time fitting into my "Ed" jeans I guess you could call them. I'm thinking of throwing them out, but they're actually a really hot (and expensive!!) pair of jeans. But anyway they are definitely tighter than they used to be, and perhaps a size or two too small. Ed kept telling me how much of a "failure" I was for gaining the weight. However I talked right back to him and told him I'm gaining back my body as a woman. Not only that, I've been gaining back my life. So if that means I have to throw out a nice pair of jeans for me to get there, than I will.

When I was visiting my sister in Baltimore I had the pleasure of shopping at all the American "luxury" stores that we don't have in my part of Canada. I felt so pampered lol! Anthropologie and Victoria Secret were such a treat to shop in. I didn't actually buy anything in Anthropologie but it was fun to try stuff on. My sister told me that the purpose of our shopping trip was to a positive body image trip :) I usually hate trying on clothes but it was actually super fun! I bought this awesome VS bra... the colour is way sexier in person! more of like a pale pink/creamy/gold colour- reminds me of some sort of french lingerie.

Anyway. I've kinda realized that I need to re-structure my environment again... This past week I've had zero B/P-free days. In fact if anything my behaviours have increased. AGHHH. I wish we could just like turn on a switch and be in perfect recovery mode. But then on the other hand.... recovery isn't about turning on auto-pilot. You have to be engaged 100% emotionally AND physically. When you fall off the track you gotta identify that you're driving in the wrong direction, and actually make the change! My goal tomorrow is to have a zero behaviour day. I've done it before, I can do it again!!

In other news, my dogs may be expecting!! They have done the deed. Multiple times. Lmao- we are reallllly hoping that she's pregnant. This is our first (and probably only) time breeding them and we are so excited for the puppies to come!

Anyway I'm distracted by the Bachelorette right now so I'm gonna end it here haha... hope you all are well and in a positive place!!

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo

Bad Body Image.

Ugh.

Lately things have been super duper hard. I've gained a substantial amount of weight- almost reached my halfway point to my ultimate recovery goal. While I should be happy about my progress- I have been feeling so horrible about myself. I feel fat, ugly, unattractive, gross. I can feel the fat on my stomach, legs, and arms that has reappeared and Ed keeps telling me how disgusting I am. The past couple days have been I guess you could say "not-so-great" (behaviour-wise) but today I'm really trying my hardest to get back on track. I went on a mini vacation and although I did okay during the time away from home, ever since I got back things have been so difficult since I weighed myself (note to self: big mistake).

So. To get back on track, I'm revisiting the self-talk which I seem to have forgotten lately- I keep telling myself that my weight gain is GOOD. It is healthy. I am nourishing my body and this recovery process is what I need to do in order to have my life back.

Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo 

Things are still lookin up :)

It's been a while since I've posted!! A lot has happened for better and for worse, but mostly for the better! I've been visiting my sister in Baltimore since last Thursday and we will be driving back to Canada. Anyway things have been going really well. I've pretty much decreased my B/P episodes to 0-1 times per day. I still have been purging usually once per day but I have had a few days of NO B/P which has been awesome!

I've been really focusing on being mindful and disobeying ED's commands. I've been gaining, which has been really difficult to see the extra weight added to my body- but whenever I have negative thoughts about my body I really try and remind myself about all the things I want to achieve in my life which ED is keeping me from. The number one thing that has been motivating me is having a future and a family with my boyfriend. He is truly the love of my life and I can't imagine being without him. I always ask myself:

Would I rather have a healthy life with J, have children, surrounded by love, friends, and family? Or live a life alone, isolated with my eating disorder:sick, thin, and nothing but an empty shell.

Its such an easy choice when I put it that way!

I've been drinking Ensure Plus Calories every day with either lunch or dinner, and I actually look forward to it lol! Never thought I'd see the day.. but yes things have been looking up. I now have entirely eliminated B/P at breakfast time and I am comfortable eating an entire meal. I am actually always comfortable with eating an entire healthy portioned meal without purging now- I look back to 4 months ago when I wasn't comfortable keeping down anything. I still get some strong urges to B/P every so often and like I said, it hasn't been happening more than once a day which is totally completely 100% AWESOME for me!

I've really been feeling so much better about myself since I've been gaining as well. I'm definitely restoring chemical imbalances and I truly feel like a new person. It really is amazing how far I've come even in the past few weeks alone. I used to feel like I was doomed to be miserable, empty, and eating disordered for life- but now I KNOW that there's hope.

Obviously like in any recovery there have been some valleys as well as hills... I've been having a lot of trouble with beating myself up after a B/P. The guilt I feel now is SO much more tremendous than it used to be. I think it is because I want recovery so bad now- and I know that there are so many people who I don't want to disappoint! I know that these feelings are probably normal- and it is definitely part of the recovery process to learn how to stay motivated and pick yourself up after a slip-up.

Anyway- I should probably get going... gotta get ready for an afternoon by the pool :) Thank you so much for all your support so far... I'm going to try my best to update you all more often!! Hope everyone is enjoying their summer so far :)

Stay strong, stay YOU!
Colette xo