Good Ol' Dietitian Business

So I feel like I'm TOTALLY spamming you with all these blogs, but this is new and exciting for me and I feel like there's a lot I need to get off my chest right now.

Anyway. So I think I want the purpose of this post to kinda talk about what what is going on currently in my treatment. I just started going to a new clinic where they have a team of professionals who specialize in eating disorders. I've had a few meetings with the nurse practitioners (they're GREAT!) and a meeting with the dietitian. On Wednesday I go to see my new doctor which I'm excited about because I heard that this woman is pretty much the definition of caring! Since I'm kinda in the beginning stages with them, things are seeming kind of slow I am worried that what they have to offer will not be enough which I talked about a few blogs ago. So really I'm just kinda riding things out to see if it really is enough!

While I'm enjoying my appointments with the NPs (they are so enlightening!), I did not enjoy the meeting with the dietitian so much. She is nice, but not as I guess "personable" as the NPs. She kept talking about scary things like weight restoration, giving up behaviours, etc. Ahhhhhhhhh. Anyway together we came up with a meal plan. I guess it wasn't as much as a meal plan as it was a serving size plan. She really does not want to focus on counting calories, rather she wants me to focus on servings. I've been bingeing almost all my meals, and I've been having a difficult time keeping anything down (binge or no binge). SO when we came up with our serving plan, we made it keeping in mind that she wants me to get away from the purging. Since I had been eating a larger amount each day than what she feels are healthy servings for meals and snacks, I thought it wouldn't be any problem following her plan.

Yea, right. Ed is so incredibly manipulative and controlling! So abusive to my body. I didn't realize exactly how consumed I was by him until I attempted to follow the meal plan. Obviously I tried to tackle the entire day due to my "all-or-nothing" way of thinking. I realize now however, that breakfast is enough to work on right now. Last week was the FIRST breakfast that I did not binge in, oh I don't know how long. It was actually an amazing feeling. I was actually in control and was able to tell Ed "No!" I sat myself down at the table for once (instead of eating in my usual habitat: the kitchen counter) and ate only what I prepared. Ed was still jumping in because I cut all the servings of what I was supposed to eat in half, and I also attempted purging after. BUT I DIDN'T BINGE! I felt so free. The rest of the day was the usual binge and purge day, but I still felt so encouraged that I was actually able to disobey Ed and NOT binge.

When Ed takes over, it feels like that he is all you know. Sometimes I feel like I will never be healthy, that I will always be under Ed's trance. When I didn't  binge that first time, I felt a flicker of confidence that someday, I WILL be able to overcome this one day. I know it will take time. A lot of time. But I know that if I want to live, I have to keep fighting. I heard once that an eating disorder is a parallel to a slow suicide. I do not want death. I want life. Right now, mentally the old me does feel breathless, cut off from the world. In that sense, I have lost my life. But that is not to say one day I won't be able to wake from this hell!


Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo