I just wanted to do a little update for you guys on my new little happy pill. I've been taking 10 mg to start and I will start on 20 mg on Wednesday. So far, things have been GREAT. I've been noticing that I've had a few emotional ups and downs, but that's not much different from normal haha. As far as the bingeing and purging though- amazing! I'm not sure if its just all in my head or if its actually working but I have had so many fewer urges to binge and purge! I only had one episode today. Such a drastic change from my 5-6 that I was going through a few weeks ago. Although things have improved quite a bit, I still have gotten an urge every here an there. How do I deal? I honestly think about how horrible the purging would be after and how I don't want to put myself through that. After all who enjoys purging??! Nobody. It might make us feel better temporarily afterward (*please note temporarily! We all know this is not a healthy coping mechanism -.- Just reinforcing that lol ;) but this "good" feeling is short lived. Purging has become very difficult lately for me as well- it's like my body doesn't want to let go of the food anymore? Who knows. All I know is that I'm hating it more and more, and I don't want to ruin my insides ANY longer.
The only problem is that I'm having a difficult time transitioning to a binge-purge-free life. I find that I'm restricting more to compensate. It's so frustrating! Where has this such intense fear of food come from? Why do we fear what keeps us alive? Why is it many (if not most) people suffering with eating disorders fear weight gain more than death? It is so mind-boggling when putting these things into perspective.
Anyway. My post is getting a little side tracked. I haven't noticed many side effects yet- and again this is a very low dose so once I'm on the 20 mgs I might have more to tell you. I'm just happy that my bingeing and purging has gone down, HALLELUJAH. I will keep you guys updated :)
In the mean-time, I'm going to try and focus on my meal plan. By Tuesday I have to had eaten two full breakfasts (2 grains, 1 milk, and 1-2 protein servings) without purging. Ahhhh.. Seems so simple, yet it really has been a difficult task so far. Ed is still in the back of my mind telling me that it's okay if I don't reach my goal... I can just "try it again next week." NO Ed. I need to do this now, so go f*** yourself.
Lmao sorry guys :) Ed doesn't treat me right so why should I respect him, right?!
Stay strong, stay YOU
Colette xo
that's so great about the binging and purging! i hope it will help ; )
ReplyDeletebe gentle with yourself and one day at a time you WILL beat this!!!! ; )
thank you!! It seems like one second the day is great, the next second it's like a total 180 degree flip. Things are not going as I wish they were right now -.- but you are totally right... one step at a time.
ReplyDelete<3